The overwhelming sadness is growing again. That look in your eyes. That moment I saw everything you wish I wasn’t. In that moment you invited all of those dark demons back and they left their mark as they crawled their way back into my body. Your eyes showed me everything I could never be for you and I could feel my heart crumble. You know, you hold all of your secrets in your eyes. Everything you may try and hide away makes itself clear through your eyes and it scares everything within me. My head is pounding. I want to do everything right by you. Why can I never do it right? What can I do to make you happy, because all I ever seem to do is hurt you. Please, take all of me. Open all of the wounds on my wrists and drain me of all of my value. If everything I do in my life is wrong, let me do this right. All I want is to take all of your pain away and all I have managed to do is make your life harder. You can’t let me do this. I’m not worth any of it. I can never be what you want or what you need. I fell. I fell even when I knew I shouldn’t have. I have to keep reminding myself that if I give all of myself away maybe the world will release me. Empty my soul until there is nothing left in this body. I am exhausted and I will never be enough for you. I find myself saying sorry a lot to you. I wish, more than anything, I could be everything that you needed, but I can’t and for that I am so truly sorry.
A million words and my mouth can’t form any. A million thoughts and they remain unspoken, locked away in my mind without ever being released into the world. I can try to let them escape, to release them so that they can run to you but my body shakes in resistance. As I reach for the locks guarding these thoughts all of the words dissipate. With no words to sew together, I have nothing to give you. You ask me to tell you, to share myself with you, but my body will not physically let me. I will try to stabilize my voice for you, but even then, there is nothing to cross my lips into the air. Sometimes i wonder if we are all allotted a certain amount of words and I have run out because someone else is using mine. I want to give you my words but someone has already stolen them. I wish to share all of me with you. I want to give you all of the darkest and brightest corners of my soul, but my chest has a padlock that not even I have a key to. Please don’t mistake my silence as me not caring or not having anything to say. There is so much I could say but nothing that I understand enough to help you understand. Sometimes I believe I am not thinking anything or that my mind is moving too slow to string together words, but I think it is moving far to fast for the rest of me to keep up and I can’t even manage to reach and grab a few words to make a sentence. The whole world is rushing by and I can’t manage to make any sense of what I am seeing. Sometimes you manage to slow it all down for me. To make all the world disappear, but even then, I am so overwhelmed by what is happening in front of me. You want more from me than I can give you. Maybe one day I will be able to give you what you so desperately want, but until then, I am sorry.
My eyes are watering but I’m going to blame it on the fridged air. I know it’s cold out but I won’t put on a jacket. My hands are stinging but I refuse to put them in my pockets. I want this numbness more than I want sleep. It sounds stupid but I want the cold to crawl through my skin and freeze my chest from the inside out. I want frost to build over the flowers there so they cease to grow. I want to hollow my chest and open it up like the bleeding sky. The world moves even when my desires attempt and stop it. Removing any significance that my body had been given, my heart had been given, my life had been given. There is no end in sight for what seems like an inescapable void. I decide to lay in the grass and watch as the sky moves above me. My limbs slowly disappearing into the earth beneath me. Becoming unaware myself and everything I am. Letting my world go before I come crashing back down. Spiraling into reality and all of its painful inconveniences.
There is this hole in my chest. I think it is where the happiness used to be, but its gone and I am being drowned with the overwhelming power of my own emotions. I can feel that little pull in my stomach again. I feel the urges that I haven’t felt in quite a sometime and my vision has gone white. Relapsing, I am finding, hurts much more than where you were when you stopped. It may be because after all that time in the darkness I had found some light. I could finally smile without carving it into my face. It was a real smile that could remind my body that everything was good, was happy, but the light inside drained. It drained like I had been punctured all over and it was beyond ready to move on to it’s next subject. My mind has currupted all of the rays of light and it’s all becoming darkness again. Now my body is filled with nothingness. This time, it is not just mentally that I feel hurt and exhausted but physically. Every move I make and my body feels like it hasn’t been fed in weeks. It is as if all of my muscles know not what there fuction is and cannot manage to keep me upright. I am falling faster than ever before and I don’t think my body is going to have the strength to pull me out of the hole this time. My mind is running in circles. Constant thoughts of him suffocate me and they are keeping me up at night. I wish I could make them stop. It hurts so badly to think, to remember all of these painful memories. My skin is itching. I hate this feeling. I have never felt so desperate for a release. Old habits hit hard and I begin to vomit up all of the flowers that he has planted in my stomach, but they don’t come back the flowers they started as. They are poisoned and dying. They leave such a terrible taste in my mouth and I attempt to throw back the devil’s juice but all it leaves is the bitter taste of him on my lips.
You’ve left a hole in my chest. Much to big for the silence to fill. I am trying to fill in with empty words, empty smiles, empty love but it soaks into the surroundings like water soaks into the sand. There is a space in my head that is only filled with you. The smallest bank of words swelling to occupy the rest of my mind. I knew where this was going far before it began, and I let myself fall into this darkness. The only eyes I see are yours. Every face I look at, all I see is you. You have released me from your burden but I am holding on so tight for I am afraid that if I let go, I will fall to the ever growing depths of my not so solid ground. I have carved you into the wounds on my skin. The only thing that gave me relief from you now pollutes my blood with the remembrance of what could have been. Why am I like this? I put too much of my heart into things when I leave my head behind. I remind myself that is all temporary but once it fades I continue to break anyways. You held the entirety of my soul without even knowing it and now you have left it lying on the ground. I have found myself worthless without you to give me a purpose in this world. Your smile moves mountains inside of me but it is no longer reserved for me. I dug myself another hole and I don’t think I have the energy to pull myself out this time.
I have spent a very long time trying to pull myself out of that dark corner of my mind. Years of dipping my feet into the water as the shadows entangle themselves around my ankles barely able to resist the temptation to pull me in. And sometimes there was no resistance. Some days I was pulled into the deep end with no strength to fight back. But as the tide began to lower, I found the ability to pull myself out of the shallow. for a little while, the dark pool had dried up. there was no more lake of tainted water. Just the stains left on the empty pit. It was gone and my mind was left peaceful. Today, It overflowed. the pool filled back up faster and darker than ever. This time I didn’t have to go to the water, it came to me. Its hunger reached for me and yanked me to the bottom. My arms and legs flailing. My lungs pounding, begging for someone to pull me out, but no one can see. No one can see the chains clasped around my ankles, the ropes around my wrists, causing them to bleed. No one can see the blood-soaked sleeves of my shirt, the water pouring into my lungs. They don’t see anything because the shadow forces my smile. My smile is a cloak hiding my pain from the outer world. I have tried everything I have ever know to escape from this hell, but its hold is stronger than it has ever been. I can no longer breath. My lungs are being flooded with the darkness from that corner of my mind. I am slowly, painfully drowning in my own thoughts, my own fear. I was a fool to think I could ever escape this. I was a fool to think the shadows wouldn’t someday take over my entire mind, my entire body. My blood is polluted with the corrupt emotions my mind is feeding me. My blood is begging to be spilled. Begging to be released from my body. I am begging to be released. I am afraid where this might end.
All I wanted was to be wanted. To feel like I was important to someone. And I still do, but I am comfortable with myself to not need someone’s attention to function. I was wallowing in my self-pity and I thought the only way to not be lonely was for people to pay attention to me, and trust me, I have manipulated myself to be able to get exactly that, but I am finally pulling myself out of that dark hole of despair. The best part is that as soon as I can finally do that for myself, someone decides to prohibit my progression. I wanted you to need me and you didn’t, but as soon as I can move on, you say you need me. If your goal wasn’t to drag me right back into that wretched confinement you are doing a horrendous job of showing it. It feels like every time I am ready to walk away you pull me back and I am forced to start from the beginning all over again. I am exhausted with your endless games and I would just like to take a rest. Stop using me then throwing me away. I know after this you are going to push me back to the side like you always have and I am going to wait there patiently until I am just ready to fix myself. Which will be conveniently right before you “need” me again. I am so over being used. Like I said before, I will not stress my life to be a crutch for yours.
It’s like we never stopped talking. I never realized how much I missed you until I had you back. I have felt so broken for so long but for this moment, this moment talking to you, I feel whole. My life is a constant blur of unsure happenings that I cannot seem to get ahold of. But when I am talking to you the world slows down for a second and I can breathe. I am happy with you. I thought I might be in love with you, but I do not really know what the feeling is. All I know is your were my best friend and my life is better with you in it. I will not lose you again. I will hold tighter to you than I have held on to anyone because I know what it is like to not have you and it hurts like hell. I don’t want to go through that ever again.
I wish I could take in the little moments of release again…like I used to. My entire body is tense. I shake like I overdosed on caffeine. Still, I cannot relax. I soon as I get the chance I feel guilty. Should I feel Guilty? Something keeps eating away at my soul and I am losing myself. Forgetting who I used to be. Forgetting the happy I used to feel. What is happening to me? I am eternally exhausted and I am afraid you can see it from the outside. I am afraid I might treat them different because I am different. I don’t want to hurt them. They deserve so much more. They all do. Am I worth this pain. Is life worth this pain. I cannot breathe anymore. Someone has reached into my chest and is pulling at everything there. Why? Why can I not stop them? Why am I still here? I am not afraid of them…I am afraid of me.