I don’t think I am supposed to feel this, but, as much as I wish I could, I can’t turn my feelings off. There is no clearly labeled switch. As much as it hurts, I want to tell you. I want you to tell me everything you know I want to hear. Wrap your arms around me like you did when you said goodbye, but let’s stay that way for a while. Your arms are the only place where my body doesn’t feel like shattering. Where my heart doesn’t feel empty. I don’t talk a lot about happy things, but, with you, there is nothing else. You are the only thing that makes me smile when I feel like breaking down. You are the only light I can see when the world is being overcome by darkness. You are so open with your emotions. You know everything you’re feeling. You may not always feel good but you understand your sadness. I envy that so much. I may not understand all of what I am feeling but I know the only good part is you. I want you to know all of my jumbled emotions and I want to know yours. I want you to tell me all of them. I want to hold your hands as you reveal the most vulnerable parts of your self. I want to kiss your palms as if to kiss away the pain of the open wounds. I want to take your pain away. I would take it all if that is what it would take for you to smile, because, God, I love that smile. That smile could make the world forget their problems. Pain could go on as far as the eye can see but just one of your smiles could make it all okay. It makes all of my demons scatter and for a moment I can be truly, undeniably happy. Over the years I have taught myself how to be okay. I don’t have to be happy. I just have to make it through. I have learned to be okay with myself, but you have taught me how to be so much more than that. I don’t know if you know you did that and I don’t know if you feel any of these things, but I want you to know that someone cares. Someone cares a whole lot about you and I hope that’s okay.
Im not sure how this works. This happiness thing. I don’t wake up and wish I didn’t anymore. When I smile it doesn’t feel empty any more. I’m not forcing the corners of my mouth to form into the devil’s knife. I am begining to feel things again. Which kind of sucks because, ya know, things hurt, but they also feel really good. I can feel the sun on my skin and my insides begin to dance into the world and not shrivel into my darkest depths. I’m not saying I am happy all the time, but for the the time being, life is truly, undeniably good. It is like learning to breath again. It kind of hurts, but its the good pain. The pain that asures you that something good will come in the end. Who knows. Maybe this is a phase. Maybe my real self is in that black graveyard in the back of my mind, and maybe I will return there, but the world has pulled me out to enjoy the love that it has to offer. The weirdest part is when I start to feel people caring about me. All of my life, I have cared so much, love so much, given so much to people. When I care for you it is like my entire soul is owned by you. I have never felt this in return. no one has ever returned my soul, but you. You care and I am learning what that means. What it means when you actually desire to be in my presence and are not just indifferent when I am there. I am not sure how to respond to this feeling, but I am learning. I am learning and I promise I will be better. I will learn to let people care about me. I think eventually I can show myself to you. My whole self and not be ashamed. I pray that you will be there when I am ready becasue I’m not ready to put this smile away quite yet.