I’ll Try

I’m replaying you over and over again in my head. Is this normal? I have no space in my head for anything but you which is becoming problematic. I can’t help but think I am doing this wrong. That there is a right way to do this and this is not it. I am terrified of you and everything you mean for me. I am changing what I am, how I function. Not because you want me to but because who I am does not work like this, does not work with other people. No one fits into these pieces that have been carved out of me. The holes and indentions and all the empty places that this life has left me cannot be filled by any person. I am coming to realize that I don’t think I am meant to have anyone, to be in a relationship. Not only because they will not fit but because I cannot give anyone what they so desperately want. I cannot give them the most vulnerable parts of me that they deserve. My mind is stuck within me and it is kept in a cage, locked away to refuse access to even the most willing and qualified of persons. When I see my future, I see it alone. I see it without anyone to go through it with me, and it doesn’t scare me. I am at peace with knowing that I am comfortable in my own, in myself. But with the thought of you in my head, I promise I will do everything I can to make this work. To see myself with you.

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