I don’t think I am supposed to feel this, but, as much as I wish I could, I can’t turn my feelings off. There is no clearly labeled switch. As much as it hurts, I want to tell you. I want you to tell me everything you know I want to hear. Wrap your arms around me like you did when you said goodbye, but let’s stay that way for a while. Your arms are the only place where my body doesn’t feel like shattering. Where my heart doesn’t feel empty. I don’t talk a lot about happy things, but, with you, there is nothing else. You are the only thing that makes me smile when I feel like breaking down. You are the only light I can see when the world is being overcome by darkness. You are so open with your emotions. You know everything you’re feeling. You may not always feel good but you understand your sadness. I envy that so much. I may not understand all of what I am feeling but I know the only good part is you. I want you to know all of my jumbled emotions and I want to know yours. I want you to tell me all of them. I want to hold your hands as you reveal the most vulnerable parts of your self. I want to kiss your palms as if to kiss away the pain of the open wounds. I want to take your pain away. I would take it all if that is what it would take for you to smile, because, God, I love that smile. That smile could make the world forget their problems. Pain could go on as far as the eye can see but just one of your smiles could make it all okay. It makes all of my demons scatter and for a moment I can be truly, undeniably happy. Over the years I have taught myself how to be okay. I don’t have to be happy. I just have to make it through. I have learned to be okay with myself, but you have taught me how to be so much more than that. I don’t know if you know you did that and I don’t know if you feel any of these things, but I want you to know that someone cares. Someone cares a whole lot about you and I hope that’s okay.
It’s like we never stopped talking. I never realized how much I missed you until I had you back. I have felt so broken for so long but for this moment, this moment talking to you, I feel whole. My life is a constant blur of unsure happenings that I cannot seem to get ahold of. But when I am talking to you the world slows down for a second and I can breathe. I am happy with you. I thought I might be in love with you, but I do not really know what the feeling is. All I know is your were my best friend and my life is better with you in it. I will not lose you again. I will hold tighter to you than I have held on to anyone because I know what it is like to not have you and it hurts like hell. I don’t want to go through that ever again.
I feel sick. The last time I felt like this it ended worse than I could ever have imagined. Last time I felt this sick I was left with a scar on my wrist that looks like a line terminating my existence. But, yet again, here I am. Nine years. Nine years between us and somehow we have managed to make this out of our lives. Two days and you make me think about every waking moment of my existence and question every choice I have ever made. Is this my fault? My stomach feels like it is consuming itself and someone’s hand is reaching down my throat to stop it. I am alone in this and I do not know how I got here. You are kind. You are sweet. But even the day I become legal I am the same person that I am just the day before. One day does not change me. So why is it then and only then that we can be? I do not think this can work but for some reason, I cannot say no. This is my fault. I got myself into the situation. You do not make me sick. I make me sick. I am repulsed by the thought that I can be so ignorant and so willing. Though you are okay with this I am not. But I will not tell you that because I am weak. I will continue and wait until I become so sick of the thoughts going through my head and you decide that whatever this is cannot work. It is always me. I will always get myself into this. I am my own problem. I am my own worst fear. I am sorry just as sorry as I will be when we end this. I am sick and I do not know if I can live with it.