concrete happiness

Learning. Learning about yourself. It is a strange feeling, but finally understanding where you are and what you are feeling means you can finally have some sort of control over your own life. What a concept right? I have a million thoughts running through my mind, a million feelings. I can’t manage to verbalize any of them, but I understand them perfectly. I know I have said I have found happiness before, but this is a weird content happiness that finally feels like mine. It feels like I can grasp it and hold it and keep it. It doesn’t feel fleeting, like it is forming visually and metastasizing. It feels so real and so good. Have you ever felt like you were always reaching for something and couldn’t quite grasp it. It kept slipping through your fingers and you began to doubt it is real? My happiness. But it has solidified in my hands and I can feel the glorious weight of it. I want this to last forever. I keep going back and forth between being okay and falling to pieces. nothing feels solid and I am sure this is no exception, but I just want to hold onto it as long as possible. It is the kind of happiness that warms you like the first false spring in March. When you feel that warm sun and you skin absorbing all of the goodness in the air. You can smile for the first time in what feels like months. That is exactly what this happiness feels like and I want to keep it forever.

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