I’m in this body. Clearly in this body but somehow, I’m looking at it from the outside. I have this happiness inside me blooming like sunflowers, but it doesn’t feel like mine. It doesn’t feel like my happiness. I could venture to say that I feel someone about to pull the flower from my ground but I don’t even feel like it was mine to begin with. Who distributes the seeds? Did one accidentally get sprinkled onto my ground watered with my tears? Did I accidentally get someone else’s happiness? I can’t even say that I feel like I am leading separate lives anymore. Before, it felt like I was a different person in every different place I was. Now, I am grounded. I am stuck in this spot to watch my body wreak havoc on my world. Even when I say that I question it, because sometimes I actually think the chaos it creates is for the better and may help me wade through my dark waters. Of course, there is no stopping me from drowning at night. I walk straight into this depraved sea. I close my eyes and I can imagine that I am not surrounded by violent waters but wading through a field of sunflowers being persuaded by the winds. Replace the silent screaming with the sweet songs from the birds. Deny the ocean floor and believe I am lying comfortable in the soft grass and earth of the field. Refuse the water in my lungs to be anything other than fresh air. I can pretend. Pretend until my body convulses from asphyxiation and I am hurled back into reality. It happens over and over again and I will continue to pretend I am not succumbing to my darkness until I am dead in the ground. Whatever I keep coming back for will fade away and I will be left hollow and without a purpose. When that day comes I will accept happiness as my own as I lay abandoned in my grave.
She is stuck. I cannot tell you where she is because I cannot find her. She is lost in the void between here and her mind. Drifting slowly almost to avoid the end of the vast emptiness. The ability to avoid all the feeling. She is no longer here. Her body is an empty capsule carrying around her demons she left behind. The bruises left from her past. The pieces of her past she wished to no longer carry. Any sense of feeling she had left was abandoned in that vessel. You may ask how one can choose to feel nothing but if you knew what she felt you would choose to be numb as well. She has been tossed to the outer most depths of the world just to be reeled back in by empty promises of comfort and happiness. She has been stripped of trust and vulnerability. She has built her wall only to abandon it when it proves to be useless. She is done searching for something to fill the void within her that seems to swallow everything in its wake…including herself. She succumbs to the emptiness and gives herself to the darkness within allowing her mind to slip away. She is missing. She does not want to be found.
You never fail to put a smile on my face. Somehow, with the simplest of words or actions and I lose every thought in my head and all I can do is smile. Questioning everything is how I live life. Never trusting anything which is really hard when someone tries to tell you they care about you, but you managed to make all of those questions disappear. They may only be gone for a moment, but with you that moment feels like a lifetime. My insides light up every time you touch me and everything is okay. My mind stops racing, my breathing evens out, my head stops pounding, my eyes stop burning. I am better when I am with you. Which makes me think I am going to mess it all up even more. That I am going to screw up royally and be left empty. I have done it plenty of times before. Each time I have manage to rebuild myself, stronger and better than before, but with you I know it’s all different. Even with the little amount of time we have had together, I know you are different. Your eyes are full of hope and hurt, love and fear. I can see it all, but most importantly, I see you. There is not a moment in the day I don’t wish I was spending with you and every time I leave you its like all the world’s brightest colors dull once again. I like seeing the world through vibrant eyes and that’s only possible with you. I want to see the world through the eyes you give me. Every fault and every miracle, every hill and every valley, every star and all the sky. I want the happiness you give me all the time. The flowers are growing back, not because you planted more there but you are taking care of the ones already there. You are taking care of the most fragile parts of me without knowing what they are. I don’t know how you are doing it, how you are feeding the butterflies in my stomach, how you are giving me the ability to breathe, but I love what I am with you.
You’ve left a hole in my chest. Much to big for the silence to fill. I am trying to fill in with empty words, empty smiles, empty love but it soaks into the surroundings like water soaks into the sand. There is a space in my head that is only filled with you. The smallest bank of words swelling to occupy the rest of my mind. I knew where this was going far before it began, and I let myself fall into this darkness. The only eyes I see are yours. Every face I look at, all I see is you. You have released me from your burden but I am holding on so tight for I am afraid that if I let go, I will fall to the ever growing depths of my not so solid ground. I have carved you into the wounds on my skin. The only thing that gave me relief from you now pollutes my blood with the remembrance of what could have been. Why am I like this? I put too much of my heart into things when I leave my head behind. I remind myself that is all temporary but once it fades I continue to break anyways. You held the entirety of my soul without even knowing it and now you have left it lying on the ground. I have found myself worthless without you to give me a purpose in this world. Your smile moves mountains inside of me but it is no longer reserved for me. I dug myself another hole and I don’t think I have the energy to pull myself out this time.
When I say I love you… I mean I want, with my entire body, for you to know how important you are. I mean everything you are is a part of my soul and to lose you would mean to lose a part of myself. I am made of little pieces of the people in my life. When I say I love you, I mean you have cured the aching parts of my soul and filled it with only the brightes rays of sun. I mean that I never want to have a life where you don’t exist. I know, all too well, what it is like to feel the indiffernce of the world toward you and I never want you to know what that is. I want you to know the weight of those three words when I say them to you. I am crushed by their weight as the cross the threshold of my mouth. As they rest upon your ears waiting for your acknowledgement they have great hold on my heart to keep me attached so that not a single syllable is empty. You may not guess the weight of these words based on the frequency of their use but I say it as often as possible so that you know how much I truly do love you. Yes, eveytime I say them they mean just as much and the same amout of my soul is released with each time. These words are by no means expendable no matter how often I say them. You see, I would much rather love too much than not at all. I would rather give all of my heart than it become brittle while dust settles upon it, becasue if I do not give my love it will be stolen from me by those who do not deserve it and in the end, if not used, it will be unavailing. When I tell you I love you…I mean my soul belongs to you. I mean you matter more to me that myself.
Im not sure how this works. This happiness thing. I don’t wake up and wish I didn’t anymore. When I smile it doesn’t feel empty any more. I’m not forcing the corners of my mouth to form into the devil’s knife. I am begining to feel things again. Which kind of sucks because, ya know, things hurt, but they also feel really good. I can feel the sun on my skin and my insides begin to dance into the world and not shrivel into my darkest depths. I’m not saying I am happy all the time, but for the the time being, life is truly, undeniably good. It is like learning to breath again. It kind of hurts, but its the good pain. The pain that asures you that something good will come in the end. Who knows. Maybe this is a phase. Maybe my real self is in that black graveyard in the back of my mind, and maybe I will return there, but the world has pulled me out to enjoy the love that it has to offer. The weirdest part is when I start to feel people caring about me. All of my life, I have cared so much, love so much, given so much to people. When I care for you it is like my entire soul is owned by you. I have never felt this in return. no one has ever returned my soul, but you. You care and I am learning what that means. What it means when you actually desire to be in my presence and are not just indifferent when I am there. I am not sure how to respond to this feeling, but I am learning. I am learning and I promise I will be better. I will learn to let people care about me. I think eventually I can show myself to you. My whole self and not be ashamed. I pray that you will be there when I am ready becasue I’m not ready to put this smile away quite yet.
I just had a very…existential moment.For a moment my life vanished. All of my memory was gone and all I could think was…well I am not really sure. I am terribly confused because I am not sure what I am feeling. I know my stomach is turning and I feel as though I may be sick, but I cannot tell you what this sensation is. I feel like I am breathing fresh air. Like I am being given a clean start. Even though it is close to freezing outside, I feel as though it is one of those spring days when the whole world feels right. Like clean sheets hanging on a clothesline being dried by a pleasant breeze. Like that one song I had on repeat the summer that I was 12. Like Easter when Mom would open all of the windows in the house while she was cleaning. Like those late nights in the summer when we were in elementary school. I am so terribly confused because these are all of the best feelings that could ever come to mind, but I feel so unsteady. Tears are steadily streaming down my face and they have no intention of stopping. This isn’t one of those reminiscing moments. I have had those. I know what those feel like. This is not that. I feel like my soul is somewhere else. I do not feel like me. I do not know where I have gone. The worst part of having these feelings at 3 am is that there is no one to talk to about them. I am on my own. It is so hard to write what I am feeling when I don’t even know. All I know is that tonight my hip isn’t going to be enough.