I haven’t been in this much pain in so long. I thnk I forgot what was actually like. Every single movement, every choice, every word, every thought dedicated to this pain. It is like I am just a hollow shell walking through the day while my mind is stuck somewhere else. I should not have let it get this far. I should have stopped it before it got this bad. It is all my fault. It always is and I cannot keep letting it happen. I run into one wall walk around it then run into another and decide to climb over that one. It just keeps getting harder. That fall off the top of the wall just seems to hurt more each time. My chest feels hollow. It is so hard to breath. I need a reason and I cannot seem to find one. I am forever caught in a hopeless loop of self-torture and self-loathing. I am eternally running from myself.
Life is a funny thing, ya know? One moment you think you understand everything perfectly. The next moment you are lost. I have been running so fast that I have forgotten to look where I was going. And man did I get lost. It is like at the beach. When you are in the ocean and wave after wave crashes into you. Then there is a pause and everything is calm. You can see to the horizon. Then you turn your back and you are overtaken by something you never saw coming. I do not know where my head is anymore and I cannot tell if that is a bad thing. I am blissfully ignorant to my surroundings, but I know all to well things I should not. Avoiding the world like it is the plague sounds quite pleasurable, but if I do that would my life become irrelevant therefore making what I am running from pointless? Dammit. Just another question for me to never have an answer to.
What do you do when you find yourself in a situation that you have been in before? When the situation you have encountered ripped through all of your insides. I have been through this before, but somehow I seem to not be able to avoid making the same mistakes. Are the mistakes I made the first time still mistakes if I make them again? There are so many questions running through my mind that I am drowning in them, but some how these are the only ones that will surface. That is a lie. Maybe they are all at the surface. I just keep getting my fingers caught in this one. It is him. He is the reason these are the questions on my lips. He wants these questions to haunt me. To ruin every moment of sleep I could have gotten. Is that his goal? Should I let him go? I have been through this before but the only thing I can seem to remember is the pain that I end up with. The constant nagging at my insides. I cannot remember to react differently perhaps because I still think it might end differently. Nothing good can come from this. Yet I cannot seem to let it go. I have been through this before.