I begun to notice the familiar feeling of numbness once again. I know it is numbness because I have begun to desire so much pain. I asked myself why I couldn’t desire love or happiness in order to feel something, but unfortunately, I know all to well that the threshold between happy and numb is far less define than that between numb and pain. Take your words and drive them through my heart like a dagger. I want to feel everything. I went to him and my body responded to nothing. I was indifferent to his presence. My heart yearns or its own torture. Its turning into grey matter and I don’t think my body can live off of the limited blood supply it is managing to pump. My empty chest is begging to be drowned in demons before they begin to claw at my skin again. Destroy me and leave me dead on the cold, hard pavement so I can rebuild myself and create a newness the can grow and flourish in this life.
I’m in this body. Clearly in this body but somehow, I’m looking at it from the outside. I have this happiness inside me blooming like sunflowers, but it doesn’t feel like mine. It doesn’t feel like my happiness. I could venture to say that I feel someone about to pull the flower from my ground but I don’t even feel like it was mine to begin with. Who distributes the seeds? Did one accidentally get sprinkled onto my ground watered with my tears? Did I accidentally get someone else’s happiness? I can’t even say that I feel like I am leading separate lives anymore. Before, it felt like I was a different person in every different place I was. Now, I am grounded. I am stuck in this spot to watch my body wreak havoc on my world. Even when I say that I question it, because sometimes I actually think the chaos it creates is for the better and may help me wade through my dark waters. Of course, there is no stopping me from drowning at night. I walk straight into this depraved sea. I close my eyes and I can imagine that I am not surrounded by violent waters but wading through a field of sunflowers being persuaded by the winds. Replace the silent screaming with the sweet songs from the birds. Deny the ocean floor and believe I am lying comfortable in the soft grass and earth of the field. Refuse the water in my lungs to be anything other than fresh air. I can pretend. Pretend until my body convulses from asphyxiation and I am hurled back into reality. It happens over and over again and I will continue to pretend I am not succumbing to my darkness until I am dead in the ground. Whatever I keep coming back for will fade away and I will be left hollow and without a purpose. When that day comes I will accept happiness as my own as I lay abandoned in my grave.
You were the friend I thought my children were going to call aunt. The one that made me believe soul mates weren’t always romantic. The one I was so sure knew far to much about me to ever let go, but I guess there is always a time to let go. For as long as I have known you I have watched out for you. I have loved you like a little sister and spared my own feelings to comfort and take care of you. I felt like you were my responsibility. That everything you felt was my job enhance or detract. Any pain you ever felt I did my best to take away. All I ever wanted was to take it all away. Similar to the law of conservation of mass…I have a similar theory. That pain cannot be created or destroyed. It is simply transfered from hosts. You see, when I took your pain away there was no where to put it. The only option was to bear the weight of it myself. The problem is, you began to offload your problems onto me. I became the place you unloaded your baggage and then walked away. You left me when I needed you. I did everything I could and when I needed you and I told you I needed you, you couldn’t have cared less. I broke. You broke me. funny thing is, I thought that would make me stronger. Allow me to walk away and not get caught back in the trap of someone requiring me to be the host for their pain, but it didn’t. I am not as willing anymore, but moments later I will give and offer my hands to take the worry. I want nothing more than to remove this burden from myself, but I would rather be crawling under the weight than to give any of it to someone else. I would rather see you happy than to worry about my own happiness. I’m afraid that will never change but I am willing to try and make it. You aren’t the only one who has used me like this but you are the beginning of the end. It’s time you take back your baggage and carry it yourself because if you leave, you aren’t leaving it with me anymore. And honey, you already turned your back, now its just time to walk away. This time you can keep the knife out of my back.
Where do you draw the line? When everyone keeps taking from you, when do you make it stop? When do you decide enough is enough? I have become a life guard, there to help people who are drowning. Recently, I have noticed all those I try to help are flailing too much and are pushing me under the tide in order for them to rise up. Of course, it isn’t purposeful, but it doesn’t dismiss the fact that is happening. As they catch their breath, my lungs fill with water. I’ve learned to swim, and I am pretty damn good at it, so why am I drowning? I have given people pieces of my foundation in order for them to build up their stability. I learned to build my home, quite strong, so why is it crumbling? I realized, I was giving away pieces of myself hoping that if I gave enough away I would disappear. Turns out, you don’t disappear. You just become used and exhausted. That’s right. They used me. I wasn’t being generous, they were being selfish. I made excuses for people because I believed all they needed was a little help and I thought I could be that help. But they didn’t want help, they wanted someone to hold them above the water. And I realized the more exhausted I became that I was spending my strength to spare someone else’s heart ache. I was carrying their baggage on my back on top of my own and I apologized every time it slipped. Can you imagine? Apologizing when you were already carrying their load. I built myself up and I chose not to be the victim of my life but the hero of my own story. It’s time for everyone else to do the same. My whole body is shaking. Anger is seeping through my skin. Anger for all of the people who have used me and then blamed me for their short comings. Anger for the people I supported but smothered me in their own disappointment when I wasn’t looking. I cannot keep hurting myself for people who want to soak in the stench of the parts of life that didn’t work for them. And I WILL NOT be angry anymore. I have had enough anger and I refuse to hold it any longer. I don’t have room in my heart for it. My heart will forever overflow with love but I will not distribute it to the people who throw it in the backseat leaving myself with nothing. My love does not come with conditions but there is no warranty. When you break it, it is gone. But when you accept it, it can grow flowers. I would know. I can see it in myself sometimes. I used to think it was others planting them. The ones I thought loved me as much as I loved them, but it wasn’t. It was me all along. Of course they died quickly because I wouldn’t water them. I’ve never been good at keeping plants alive. I never could agree with someone when they said that you can’t love someone else until you love yourself. I always believed that was a lie and I still believe it is partially a lie because I haven’t loved myself in a very long time but I have so much love to offer. So I gave it to others. While giving away so much of my love, even to those who didn’t deserve it, I learned to love parts of myself. The happiest parts, the most selfless parts, the most open parts, the parts that saw the best in people when everyone else refused to. That has gotten me hurt quite a few times, but it is the part of me I love the most because if no one else can see beyond the flaws to the most beautiful parts of someone, at least I could and hopefully I helped others see it too. Wanting to fix people. such a problem. A large reason behind of the aforementioned. Something I should to learn to do more sparingly, but for some reason I really don’t want to. My empathy makes me, me and if it is the part I love most about me, even if it hurts so, I cannot change it. It’s the only part of me where I can keep the flowers alive. Taking care of yourself is important and there are so many different ways to water your plants. My way might hurt sometimes, but its filled with love and will never again be overshadowed with anger.
If I leave, if we stop this, if all of this ends, I’m not coming back. I can’t say goodbye a hundred times a come back after every one. My mind is spiraling with all of the possibilities but I have yet to arrive at a solution. I come from a place of not knowing what the hell I’m doing but I need you to tell me that we won’t just let this go because, to be honest, its easier to breathe when you’re around. It’s easier to see and it’s easier to smile. You said you love my smile, don’t let it fade. I’m begging you. I have already left once. I lost everything. I have found so much more but I lost so much and I will never not think about that because when I think about leaving here, It feels like I’m leaving home all over again.
I prepared myself for the end so many times, but it still hurt just as much when it came. Though, I don’t think it is the end that hurt. It is the thought that you are okay without me. So much of me believed that we were only together because you wanted someone and quite honestly it didn’t matter who that someone was. I was just convenient. I prayed day in and day out that I was wrong, that you could still look at me the way you did when we started to fall. I guess you proved me wrong. Your words stabbed me straight through my stomach and I felt it through my whole body. I keep letting myself think that these people are planting flowers in me but it is just me planting flowers in my eyes, looking through rose colored glasses, praying that the petals won’t drift away. Fortunately enough, I think you poisoned them. I loved you but you couldn’t love me enough for real words. I crave the closure that can only come from your mouth but I realize day after day that I will never get it. I don’t know how to get past this. I can easily say I hate you, better yet, say I don’t care about you anymore. The truth is, when I look through my pictures of you, when I look through our old texts, I remember why I fell in love and how deeply I still am stuck in it. Like a sticky substance covering the floor before the exit, I get stuck every time. The same question runs trough my head persistently through the day. Why could I not be enough? Why am I never enough?
The overwhelming sadness is growing again. That look in your eyes. That moment I saw everything you wish I wasn’t. In that moment you invited all of those dark demons back and they left their mark as they crawled their way back into my body. Your eyes showed me everything I could never be for you and I could feel my heart crumble. You know, you hold all of your secrets in your eyes. Everything you may try and hide away makes itself clear through your eyes and it scares everything within me. My head is pounding. I want to do everything right by you. Why can I never do it right? What can I do to make you happy, because all I ever seem to do is hurt you. Please, take all of me. Open all of the wounds on my wrists and drain me of all of my value. If everything I do in my life is wrong, let me do this right. All I want is to take all of your pain away and all I have managed to do is make your life harder. You can’t let me do this. I’m not worth any of it. I can never be what you want or what you need. I fell. I fell even when I knew I shouldn’t have. I have to keep reminding myself that if I give all of myself away maybe the world will release me. Empty my soul until there is nothing left in this body. I am exhausted and I will never be enough for you. I find myself saying sorry a lot to you. I wish, more than anything, I could be everything that you needed, but I can’t and for that I am so truly sorry.
A million words and my mouth can’t form any. A million thoughts and they remain unspoken, locked away in my mind without ever being released into the world. I can try to let them escape, to release them so that they can run to you but my body shakes in resistance. As I reach for the locks guarding these thoughts all of the words dissipate. With no words to sew together, I have nothing to give you. You ask me to tell you, to share myself with you, but my body will not physically let me. I will try to stabilize my voice for you, but even then, there is nothing to cross my lips into the air. Sometimes i wonder if we are all allotted a certain amount of words and I have run out because someone else is using mine. I want to give you my words but someone has already stolen them. I wish to share all of me with you. I want to give you all of the darkest and brightest corners of my soul, but my chest has a padlock that not even I have a key to. Please don’t mistake my silence as me not caring or not having anything to say. There is so much I could say but nothing that I understand enough to help you understand. Sometimes I believe I am not thinking anything or that my mind is moving too slow to string together words, but I think it is moving far to fast for the rest of me to keep up and I can’t even manage to reach and grab a few words to make a sentence. The whole world is rushing by and I can’t manage to make any sense of what I am seeing. Sometimes you manage to slow it all down for me. To make all the world disappear, but even then, I am so overwhelmed by what is happening in front of me. You want more from me than I can give you. Maybe one day I will be able to give you what you so desperately want, but until then, I am sorry.
Constant circles. Why am I surprised? I should not have expected anything else. My life feels like nothing more than a series of dreams. Things that are not real and will disappear in a short time. The worst part?…. It will all be gone soon. I can almost guarantee you, these things that are allowing me to be happy will soon fall through my grasp. Just like everything else has. The only real thing I know is home. It is the only solid thing I have, but I can’t seem to let myself stay there. I have this terrible tendency to run and then when I feel my self crumbling I start reaching for the closest things to make me happy, but they are only temporary solutions. Not because they are weak, but because I am. They could possibly be the things that could make me happy forever, but the moment things get confusing or the moment I get too attached, I run again. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am so afraid I am going to hurt someone this way. I’m afraid I am going to hurt someone because I am too afraid of them, because my mind can’t keep functioning on exhaustion and I don’t know how to give it back the energy it needs. I can’t focus. Your face is blurry. Even when my eyes are closed the world is rushing by. It’s giving me a headache and I think I am going to be sick. Don’t give me the opportunity to be your happiness. I will only ruin it. If you give me your happiness to hold, it will shatter. Without a doubt. I am happy with you, but I never let myself be happy for to long, and I am afraid you are going to pay the price. We are all going to pay the price. I pray every time that they are the ones to walk away. I pray that I won’t be the ones to hurt them, but I can never tell if it actually works out or if I push them until they finally decide to give. I really, truly hope it is the former. I would rather crumble by myself than take anyone with me. I have been at the bottom of this pit many times before. I can handle it. I have to deal with it, but no one else deserves to be surrounded by that darkness because of me. This dream is becoming to real. It is getting dangerously real, but even though It may seem opaque, it is never tangible. When I finally get the courage to try and touch it, it will crumble and I will go running once again.
You never fail to put a smile on my face. Somehow, with the simplest of words or actions and I lose every thought in my head and all I can do is smile. Questioning everything is how I live life. Never trusting anything which is really hard when someone tries to tell you they care about you, but you managed to make all of those questions disappear. They may only be gone for a moment, but with you that moment feels like a lifetime. My insides light up every time you touch me and everything is okay. My mind stops racing, my breathing evens out, my head stops pounding, my eyes stop burning. I am better when I am with you. Which makes me think I am going to mess it all up even more. That I am going to screw up royally and be left empty. I have done it plenty of times before. Each time I have manage to rebuild myself, stronger and better than before, but with you I know it’s all different. Even with the little amount of time we have had together, I know you are different. Your eyes are full of hope and hurt, love and fear. I can see it all, but most importantly, I see you. There is not a moment in the day I don’t wish I was spending with you and every time I leave you its like all the world’s brightest colors dull once again. I like seeing the world through vibrant eyes and that’s only possible with you. I want to see the world through the eyes you give me. Every fault and every miracle, every hill and every valley, every star and all the sky. I want the happiness you give me all the time. The flowers are growing back, not because you planted more there but you are taking care of the ones already there. You are taking care of the most fragile parts of me without knowing what they are. I don’t know how you are doing it, how you are feeding the butterflies in my stomach, how you are giving me the ability to breathe, but I love what I am with you.