What do you do when you realize there is nothing to look foward to? I was so happy everytime I got to go home. Happy for a break, happy for my friends, happy for my family. Now I feel as though I’ve become so seperate from them. I’m almost afraid to go back for so long. I’m afraid I am no longer the me that loved them. No longer the me that spent her time loving every moment around them. It hurts so much to think of all that I have lost being away but it hurts so much more going back to everything I have given up. Leaving is exactly what I needed to do for myself. No one here looks at me with expectations. They don’t look at me like I’m damaged. They don’t look at me with judgment or like I’m a role model. They don’t look at me like I need to be perfect. I needed to get away from that. To learn to let go and to learn to think without them. I am not happy here, but I am much more happy here than I am thinking about going home. It has been far to long and the wounds in my heart are still stinging with every memory that surfaces. I just want to cease to exsist for a while. To just seperate myself from this world and observe it in all of its beauty. To see their lives without me. Can I just escape it all? I am a whole new person. I am a whole person. I don’t know who I am at home anymore and I don’t know if I will be able to handle that.
My eyes are watering but I’m going to blame it on the fridged air. I know it’s cold out but I won’t put on a jacket. My hands are stinging but I refuse to put them in my pockets. I want this numbness more than I want sleep. It sounds stupid but I want the cold to crawl through my skin and freeze my chest from the inside out. I want frost to build over the flowers there so they cease to grow. I want to hollow my chest and open it up like the bleeding sky. The world moves even when my desires attempt and stop it. Removing any significance that my body had been given, my heart had been given, my life had been given. There is no end in sight for what seems like an inescapable void. I decide to lay in the grass and watch as the sky moves above me. My limbs slowly disappearing into the earth beneath me. Becoming unaware myself and everything I am. Letting my world go before I come crashing back down. Spiraling into reality and all of its painful inconveniences.