Where do you draw the line? When everyone keeps taking from you, when do you make it stop? When do you decide enough is enough? I have become a life guard, there to help people who are drowning. Recently, I have noticed all those I try to help are flailing too much and are pushing me under the tide in order for them to rise up. Of course, it isn’t purposeful, but it doesn’t dismiss the fact that is happening. As they catch their breath, my lungs fill with water. I’ve learned to swim, and I am pretty damn good at it, so why am I drowning? I have given people pieces of my foundation in order for them to build up their stability. I learned to build my home, quite strong, so why is it crumbling? I realized, I was giving away pieces of myself hoping that if I gave enough away I would disappear. Turns out, you don’t disappear. You just become used and exhausted. That’s right. They used me. I wasn’t being generous, they were being selfish. I made excuses for people because I believed all they needed was a little help and I thought I could be that help. But they didn’t want help, they wanted someone to hold them above the water. And I realized the more exhausted I became that I was spending my strength to spare someone else’s heart ache. I was carrying their baggage on my back on top of my own and I apologized every time it slipped. Can you imagine? Apologizing when you were already carrying their load. I built myself up and I chose not to be the victim of my life but the hero of my own story. It’s time for everyone else to do the same. My whole body is shaking. Anger is seeping through my skin. Anger for all of the people who have used me and then blamed me for their short comings. Anger for the people I supported but smothered me in their own disappointment when I wasn’t looking. I cannot keep hurting myself for people who want to soak in the stench of the parts of life that didn’t work for them. And I WILL NOT be angry anymore. I have had enough anger and I refuse to hold it any longer. I don’t have room in my heart for it. My heart will forever overflow with love but I will not distribute it to the people who throw it in the backseat leaving myself with nothing. My love does not come with conditions but there is no warranty. When you break it, it is gone. But when you accept it, it can grow flowers. I would know. I can see it in myself sometimes. I used to think it was others planting them. The ones I thought loved me as much as I loved them, but it wasn’t. It was me all along. Of course they died quickly because I wouldn’t water them. I’ve never been good at keeping plants alive. I never could agree with someone when they said that you can’t love someone else until you love yourself. I always believed that was a lie and I still believe it is partially a lie because I haven’t loved myself in a very long time but I have so much love to offer. So I gave it to others. While giving away so much of my love, even to those who didn’t deserve it, I learned to love parts of myself. The happiest parts, the most selfless parts, the most open parts, the parts that saw the best in people when everyone else refused to. That has gotten me hurt quite a few times, but it is the part of me I love the most because if no one else can see beyond the flaws to the most beautiful parts of someone, at least I could and hopefully I helped others see it too. Wanting to fix people. such a problem. A large reason behind of the aforementioned. Something I should to learn to do more sparingly, but for some reason I really don’t want to. My empathy makes me, me and if it is the part I love most about me, even if it hurts so, I cannot change it. It’s the only part of me where I can keep the flowers alive. Taking care of yourself is important and there are so many different ways to water your plants. My way might hurt sometimes, but its filled with love and will never again be overshadowed with anger.
You’ve left a hole in my chest. Much to big for the silence to fill. I am trying to fill in with empty words, empty smiles, empty love but it soaks into the surroundings like water soaks into the sand. There is a space in my head that is only filled with you. The smallest bank of words swelling to occupy the rest of my mind. I knew where this was going far before it began, and I let myself fall into this darkness. The only eyes I see are yours. Every face I look at, all I see is you. You have released me from your burden but I am holding on so tight for I am afraid that if I let go, I will fall to the ever growing depths of my not so solid ground. I have carved you into the wounds on my skin. The only thing that gave me relief from you now pollutes my blood with the remembrance of what could have been. Why am I like this? I put too much of my heart into things when I leave my head behind. I remind myself that is all temporary but once it fades I continue to break anyways. You held the entirety of my soul without even knowing it and now you have left it lying on the ground. I have found myself worthless without you to give me a purpose in this world. Your smile moves mountains inside of me but it is no longer reserved for me. I dug myself another hole and I don’t think I have the energy to pull myself out this time.
Have you ever held something in your life so important that you could never think about losing it? Something that feels so perfect that you could never imagine it breaking? Me too. It built me. It carried me when I couldn’t walk. I held it closer to my heart than any part of my own self, but now I can barely hold it in my hands without it crumbling to pieces. I think I might have held it too tightly. I didn’t mean to, but it is turning to dust. Or is that ashes? Did it burn? Am I the one that burned it. I tried. I tried really hard to take good care of it, but it has turned into something not even I recognize. Something I held so dear has turned into something so toxic for me. The soot from the fire is clouding my eyes and I can no longer see the destruction it is causing in my life. It is burning my lungs and is coating the walls in darkness. I think it is trying to destroy me. This thing that I loved so dearly is becoming my most painful memory, but I cannot let it go. My arms are chained to its foundation. Detaching yourself from emotions, they say, is bad for you, but if I am about to be demolished I do not want to feel anything for this thing that caused it. I do not want any love left for this thing that has torn my soul to pieces. I loved it. I didn’t leave it on a shelf. I carried it in my pocket and showed everyone how beautiful it was. I was so proud of it and now everyone will watch it ruin me. It is turning me inside out and allowing the world to see the most vulnerable parts of me before consuming them into the darkness of its grasp. There is no leaving and there is no going back. I am learning that love can only be toxic. There is no version of love, for me, that is not there to destroy. I give my whole self to love and when it succumbs to the darkness there is nothing left for me. Nothing left in this lifeless human shell. I willingly gave myself to it and I must suffer the consequences.
I drink in the world. Moment by moment I soak it all in through the wounds it has given me. I see the world like a passer by sees someone else’s life. I am always looking in. I see the pain. I see the happiness. I see the anger in every one else. I sit on the sidelines to watch how their life plays out. It could be me avoiding my own stage, but I would rather watch someone else’s success than my own. I would rather listen to their voices than have one of my own. A long time ago, mine was stolen. Stolen by the ones that caught my words as they crossed the threshold of my lips into the frozen air. They held them in their palms as they decided whether to warp them to their benefit or to crush them into nothing more iportant than the dust settling on your picture frame. You have given me a reason not to be a reason. I only gave you the most beautiful words that my mouth could form in hopes that they would heal the wounds on your skin. The wounds that only turned out to be a reflection of my own. You projected my pain onto your body because you knew I could not avoid the attempt to heal. I gave myself, all of myself, away. To the many that could not fill themselves. Now I am left with the draining effects. Their is no more love to distribute nor feelings to play host for an unwelcome heart. I gave you mine to be an additional link on the chains binding yours together. By the time I realized that I was only giving you the armor to shield yourself you had already begun to scavenge through my body’s foundation brick by brick. I gave myself to you and you only kept taking.
All I wanted was to be wanted. To feel like I was important to someone. And I still do, but I am comfortable with myself to not need someone’s attention to function. I was wallowing in my self-pity and I thought the only way to not be lonely was for people to pay attention to me, and trust me, I have manipulated myself to be able to get exactly that, but I am finally pulling myself out of that dark hole of despair. The best part is that as soon as I can finally do that for myself, someone decides to prohibit my progression. I wanted you to need me and you didn’t, but as soon as I can move on, you say you need me. If your goal wasn’t to drag me right back into that wretched confinement you are doing a horrendous job of showing it. It feels like every time I am ready to walk away you pull me back and I am forced to start from the beginning all over again. I am exhausted with your endless games and I would just like to take a rest. Stop using me then throwing me away. I know after this you are going to push me back to the side like you always have and I am going to wait there patiently until I am just ready to fix myself. Which will be conveniently right before you “need” me again. I am so over being used. Like I said before, I will not stress my life to be a crutch for yours.