What do you do when you realize there is nothing to look foward to? I was so happy everytime I got to go home. Happy for a break, happy for my friends, happy for my family. Now I feel as though I’ve become so seperate from them. I’m almost afraid to go back for so long. I’m afraid I am no longer the me that loved them. No longer the me that spent her time loving every moment around them. It hurts so much to think of all that I have lost being away but it hurts so much more going back to everything I have given up. Leaving is exactly what I needed to do for myself. No one here looks at me with expectations. They don’t look at me like I’m damaged. They don’t look at me with judgment or like I’m a role model. They don’t look at me like I need to be perfect. I needed to get away from that. To learn to let go and to learn to think without them. I am not happy here, but I am much more happy here than I am thinking about going home. It has been far to long and the wounds in my heart are still stinging with every memory that surfaces. I just want to cease to exsist for a while. To just seperate myself from this world and observe it in all of its beauty. To see their lives without me. Can I just escape it all? I am a whole new person. I am a whole person. I don’t know who I am at home anymore and I don’t know if I will be able to handle that.
I am so worried about you. All the god damn time. Then I go from being worried about you to convincing myself that you are better off without me. That your life is better without me in it. I can’t choose and I can’t decide which one I would rather. I think I may be projecting what I feel onto your body. I do not see what is really you. I see that I am hurting being away from you and hoping you feel the same way. I am missing you like crazy. You probably don’t think about it at all in your day, but you are always on my mind. I am happy right now. I don’t want you to think that I’m not. I really am enjoying myself. I just think about you a lot. I think about you every time I dance and I wish you were behind me with your hands on my waste. I think about you every time I lay in bed and wish your legs were tangled in mine. I think about you when its quiet and wish the silence was filled with your voice. It is like my pillow is made of you and as soon as my head hits it you enter my dreams. Every time I close my eyes, I see you. No matter how much I enjoy myself, you are always there. In the back of my mind. Reminding me of what I am missing. As much as I wish you felt the same way, I hope you aren’t hurting like me. I hope your heart doesn’t ache every time you think about our last night together. As much as I want to be the one, I hope you find someone to fill you heart with joy and love and that reminds you every day how much your worth. You deserve so much and I hope, even if it isn’t me, that you find that.
I don’t think I am supposed to feel this, but, as much as I wish I could, I can’t turn my feelings off. There is no clearly labeled switch. As much as it hurts, I want to tell you. I want you to tell me everything you know I want to hear. Wrap your arms around me like you did when you said goodbye, but let’s stay that way for a while. Your arms are the only place where my body doesn’t feel like shattering. Where my heart doesn’t feel empty. I don’t talk a lot about happy things, but, with you, there is nothing else. You are the only thing that makes me smile when I feel like breaking down. You are the only light I can see when the world is being overcome by darkness. You are so open with your emotions. You know everything you’re feeling. You may not always feel good but you understand your sadness. I envy that so much. I may not understand all of what I am feeling but I know the only good part is you. I want you to know all of my jumbled emotions and I want to know yours. I want you to tell me all of them. I want to hold your hands as you reveal the most vulnerable parts of your self. I want to kiss your palms as if to kiss away the pain of the open wounds. I want to take your pain away. I would take it all if that is what it would take for you to smile, because, God, I love that smile. That smile could make the world forget their problems. Pain could go on as far as the eye can see but just one of your smiles could make it all okay. It makes all of my demons scatter and for a moment I can be truly, undeniably happy. Over the years I have taught myself how to be okay. I don’t have to be happy. I just have to make it through. I have learned to be okay with myself, but you have taught me how to be so much more than that. I don’t know if you know you did that and I don’t know if you feel any of these things, but I want you to know that someone cares. Someone cares a whole lot about you and I hope that’s okay.
Im not sure how this works. This happiness thing. I don’t wake up and wish I didn’t anymore. When I smile it doesn’t feel empty any more. I’m not forcing the corners of my mouth to form into the devil’s knife. I am begining to feel things again. Which kind of sucks because, ya know, things hurt, but they also feel really good. I can feel the sun on my skin and my insides begin to dance into the world and not shrivel into my darkest depths. I’m not saying I am happy all the time, but for the the time being, life is truly, undeniably good. It is like learning to breath again. It kind of hurts, but its the good pain. The pain that asures you that something good will come in the end. Who knows. Maybe this is a phase. Maybe my real self is in that black graveyard in the back of my mind, and maybe I will return there, but the world has pulled me out to enjoy the love that it has to offer. The weirdest part is when I start to feel people caring about me. All of my life, I have cared so much, love so much, given so much to people. When I care for you it is like my entire soul is owned by you. I have never felt this in return. no one has ever returned my soul, but you. You care and I am learning what that means. What it means when you actually desire to be in my presence and are not just indifferent when I am there. I am not sure how to respond to this feeling, but I am learning. I am learning and I promise I will be better. I will learn to let people care about me. I think eventually I can show myself to you. My whole self and not be ashamed. I pray that you will be there when I am ready becasue I’m not ready to put this smile away quite yet.
It’s time. For a long time depression kept you held tightly in its grasp but now you are holding onto it. I guess I understand. It is familiar. It is comfortable. You only know what life is like with depression as your best friend. You have gotten so used to third wheeling with depression and anxiety that you started to bring along self harm so you weren’t the one walking in the grass because there wasn’t enough sidewalk. It is time to make your own path now. These friends are not good ones to hold onto. You know that one girl in elemetary school. When middle school happend you just kinda stoped talking. It wasn’t a bad thing, you just grew apart and you will remember the things you went through together. You are the you that is standing here today becasue of that friend, but it is time to let go. Life has a different path for you now. You are no longer stuck in the darkness. You have to let the sunlight in and stop pulling the blankets over your head. Put the long sleave shirts away. It is time your skin felt the sunlight again. Your depression isn’t holding onto you anymore. You are holding onto it like a kindergartener when their mom drops them off the first day of school. Stop waiting for someone to come pull you into the light. No one is coming because no one can see you. You have to walk out of your room on your own. With your own feet. By your own will. You have to go and see life for what it is. You can be happy, but you have to choose to be. You have to stop choosing to be sad, to be stuck. For so long it controlled your life, but you have the controls now and you have to run before it comes back, before you run out of time becasue God knows you don’t have much time before you lose control again. You have lingered in the shadows for far too long. They have contaminated your eyes, your lungs, your heart, but a little light can bleach all of that away, but it can only do that with your consent. Life gave you the the key to the chains around your wrists and you are the only one that knows how to use it. The light cannot cleanse a soul that does not want to be touched. Open yourself to happiness because it is time you smiled again.
It’s like we never stopped talking. I never realized how much I missed you until I had you back. I have felt so broken for so long but for this moment, this moment talking to you, I feel whole. My life is a constant blur of unsure happenings that I cannot seem to get ahold of. But when I am talking to you the world slows down for a second and I can breathe. I am happy with you. I thought I might be in love with you, but I do not really know what the feeling is. All I know is your were my best friend and my life is better with you in it. I will not lose you again. I will hold tighter to you than I have held on to anyone because I know what it is like to not have you and it hurts like hell. I don’t want to go through that ever again.
I am trying to be Happy. I am trying so hard, but there is some caged animal that tries to climb up my throat every time I smile. Happiness is not a realistic goal. Well, it seemed like it was until I found that it seemed like no one around me wanted to be happy. When you show the slightest sign of light they rip it away hoarding it like it was never yours to begin with. How can you be happy when all of it is being sucked out of you. It should not be so exhausting to be happy. Change your attitude, smile more, act like it is all okay. If you are not happy, act like you are. Only then will it come. Even then, I am struggling to hold my head above water. My limbs are getting tired and I am losing strength. I try so damn hard to be happy. It is hard enough for myself why do I have to make everyone else happy too? I am exhausted. Maybe I will settle with the sun from the sea floor.
The pleasure of moving on is unexplainable. it is so unbelievably satisfying. I had thought I had moved on from things in my past, but when you messaged me saying you had feelings for me, that I realized what moving on was. I no longer have feelings for or even toward you. I have never been more happy in my life. I was a sleeping hopeless drowning in my own sorrow. I think about the ones I have yet to move on from and I have realized moving on from you has given me the strength to move on from all of my past besides one person. I may never move on from him but there is always darkness when the light shines. Right in this tiny infinite moment, I am happy and cannot seem to focus on anything but good. For once I do not feel like the earth is moving and I am sitting still. I feel free. So thank you.