Your words turn into flowers in my chest. Vines that crawl through my throat into my head blinding me from everything I should be seeing. I feel my lungs expand with every new blossom and my chest tightens for they fill me much too fast. But when you leave, the flowers turn into the deadliest of creatures. Crawling through my throat. Escaping into the air. These attrocities prevent me from breathing. Make me question whether they could have ever been the beauty that escaped your lips. They whisper to me not the words they had once been but what my mind had changed them into. Only the most vulgar forms of speech are sent through every vertbrae in my spine. I have become afraid of you and everything it means for me when I hear your voice. Your hands around my waist become the vines who’s thorns rip into my skin and allow my demons to breathe in that which makes them stronger. I do not blame you for any of this. None of this is becasue of you. It is because of my own inability to differentiate between what is good and what is true. My mind clings to the darkness it has been taught and it polluts the rest of my body with unkind waters. This is not your fault but you are not beneficial to the continuation of my life. You plant flowers inside of me that cannot stay alive without your attention becasue I can do nothing but kill the most beautiful things in life. You have made my stomach a cage of butterflies but the acid kills them within moments of their arrival. You are everything that is beautiful and I am everything that will destroy that.
I am so worried about you. All the god damn time. Then I go from being worried about you to convincing myself that you are better off without me. That your life is better without me in it. I can’t choose and I can’t decide which one I would rather. I think I may be projecting what I feel onto your body. I do not see what is really you. I see that I am hurting being away from you and hoping you feel the same way. I am missing you like crazy. You probably don’t think about it at all in your day, but you are always on my mind. I am happy right now. I don’t want you to think that I’m not. I really am enjoying myself. I just think about you a lot. I think about you every time I dance and I wish you were behind me with your hands on my waste. I think about you every time I lay in bed and wish your legs were tangled in mine. I think about you when its quiet and wish the silence was filled with your voice. It is like my pillow is made of you and as soon as my head hits it you enter my dreams. Every time I close my eyes, I see you. No matter how much I enjoy myself, you are always there. In the back of my mind. Reminding me of what I am missing. As much as I wish you felt the same way, I hope you aren’t hurting like me. I hope your heart doesn’t ache every time you think about our last night together. As much as I want to be the one, I hope you find someone to fill you heart with joy and love and that reminds you every day how much your worth. You deserve so much and I hope, even if it isn’t me, that you find that.
I haven’t eaten in days. Its not that I’m not hungry, no my stomach feels like it is about to consume itself, but I feel like if I eat I am going to vomit. I have never felt like this before. I’m not sure if it is nerves or overwhelming sadness. Maybe both. You see, I’ve never had to say goodbye before. It was always just a see you later. It isn’t like I will never see them again, but it almost feels like it. It feels like when I leave they are going to forget about me. Like all of these memories we have made will be erased from their minds and I will become an outsider once more. I have been avoiding these words because I was trying to convince myself otherwise, but I broke. My chest is so tight, my eyes are tired, my body is shaking, and my heart feels like it has stopped. I have met people disguised as angel this year. I met people that probably did so much more good for my life than I could ever do for theirs and I am terrified that by the time I come back, they will have moved on. My insides feel like they are crumbling. My body cannot support the weight my shoulders are bearing. I can hear the sweet whisper of anxiety again. It is like it never left. My body is shutting down but I have to keep moving. I was so happy, but obviously happiness is a privelege not a right and it most definitely does not belong to me. The muscles in my face seem to be weaker. I can no longer smile. My whole body feels weaker for that matter. I do not wish to move. The memories run through my head like a cheesy movie montage but instead of calming my body seems more disturbed and tries to shut the thoughts away, but they continue playing and the tears continue falling. I sure hope this goes away soon or this year is going to be harder than anticipated.
When I say I love you… I mean I want, with my entire body, for you to know how important you are. I mean everything you are is a part of my soul and to lose you would mean to lose a part of myself. I am made of little pieces of the people in my life. When I say I love you, I mean you have cured the aching parts of my soul and filled it with only the brightes rays of sun. I mean that I never want to have a life where you don’t exist. I know, all too well, what it is like to feel the indiffernce of the world toward you and I never want you to know what that is. I want you to know the weight of those three words when I say them to you. I am crushed by their weight as the cross the threshold of my mouth. As they rest upon your ears waiting for your acknowledgement they have great hold on my heart to keep me attached so that not a single syllable is empty. You may not guess the weight of these words based on the frequency of their use but I say it as often as possible so that you know how much I truly do love you. Yes, eveytime I say them they mean just as much and the same amout of my soul is released with each time. These words are by no means expendable no matter how often I say them. You see, I would much rather love too much than not at all. I would rather give all of my heart than it become brittle while dust settles upon it, becasue if I do not give my love it will be stolen from me by those who do not deserve it and in the end, if not used, it will be unavailing. When I tell you I love you…I mean my soul belongs to you. I mean you matter more to me that myself.