Trouble Moving On

I saw your name in my phone. A voicemail from weeks ago that I never deleted. For a moment I stopped breathing. It felt like nothing had changed. It felt natural to see your name there. I pressed play. You said it was the first time you’d heard my voicemail. You called me adorable and I smiled probably just like I did when I heard it the first time. You said you missed me and I really didn’t realize how much I loved hearing you say that until you stopped saying it. I hit points where I finally think I am over it, when I think I can move on, but then I see an old picture, and old text, and old voicemail and all of the emotions come spiraling back. I thought it was alright. At home it was so easy but I have been here a total of two days and you are all I think about. I know why I walked away. I know it was a good thing but I didn’t realize just how hard it was going to be coming back. Maryland is so lonely without you. I miss you. I miss your text messages. I miss your home, your bed. I miss your arms around me. I miss your voice. I miss you. My Maryland became you. How do I create a new one? I find myself picking up my phone to text you all the time. I find myself wishing you would text me. Wishing you would try one more time. But maybe that is why I should move on. Your idea of asking for a second chance was a text message. Why should I regret saying no to that? I guess it really doesn’t matter if I should or shouldn’t because I do.

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