Cleanse

It’s time. For a long time depression kept you held tightly in its grasp but now you are holding onto it. I guess I understand. It is familiar. It is comfortable. You only know what life is like with depression as your best friend. You have gotten so used to third wheeling with depression and anxiety that you started to bring along self harm so you weren’t the one walking in the grass because there wasn’t enough sidewalk. It is time to make your own path now. These friends are not good ones to hold onto. You know that one girl in elemetary school. When middle school happend you just kinda stoped talking. It wasn’t a bad thing, you just grew apart and you will remember the things you went through together. You are the you that is standing here today becasue of that friend, but it is time to let go. Life has a different path for you now. You are no longer stuck in the darkness. You have to let the sunlight in and stop pulling the blankets over your head. Put the long sleave shirts away. It is time your skin felt the sunlight again. Your depression isn’t holding onto you anymore. You are holding onto it like a kindergartener when their mom drops them off the first day of school. Stop waiting for someone to come pull you into the light. No one is coming because no one can see you. You have to walk out of your room on your own. With your own feet. By your own will. You have to go and see life for what it is. You can be happy, but you have to choose to be. You have to stop choosing to be sad, to be stuck. For so long it controlled your life, but you have the controls now and you have to run before it comes back, before you run out of time becasue God knows you don’t have much time before you lose control again. You have lingered in the shadows for far too long. They have contaminated your eyes, your lungs, your heart, but a little light can bleach all of that away, but it can only do that with your consent. Life gave you the the key to the chains around your wrists and you are the only one that knows how to use it.  The light cannot cleanse a soul that does not want to be touched. Open yourself to happiness because it is time you smiled again.

Used

All I wanted was to be wanted. To feel like I was important to someone. And I still do, but I am comfortable with myself to not need someone’s attention to function. I was wallowing in my self-pity and I thought the only way to not be lonely was for people to pay attention to me, and trust me, I have manipulated myself to be able to get exactly that, but I am finally pulling myself out of that dark hole of despair. The best part is that as soon as I can finally do that for myself, someone decides to prohibit my progression. I wanted you to need me and you didn’t, but as soon as I can move on, you say you need me. If your goal wasn’t to drag me right back into that wretched confinement you are doing a horrendous job of showing it. It feels like every time I am ready to walk away you pull me back and I am forced to start from the beginning all over again. I am exhausted with your endless games and I would just like to take a rest. Stop using me then throwing me away. I know after this you are going to push me back to the side like you always have and I am going to wait there patiently until I am just ready to fix myself. Which will be conveniently right before you “need” me again. I am so over being used. Like I said before, I will not stress my life to be a crutch for yours.

Settling

I am trying to be Happy. I am trying so hard, but there is some caged animal that tries to climb up my throat every time I smile. Happiness is not a realistic goal. Well, it seemed like it was until I found that it seemed like no one around me wanted to be happy. When you show the slightest sign of light they rip it away hoarding it like it was never yours to begin with. How can you be happy when all of it is being sucked out of you. It should not be so exhausting to be happy. Change your attitude, smile more, act like it is all okay. If you are not happy, act like you are. Only then will it come. Even then, I am struggling to hold my head above water. My limbs are getting tired and I am losing strength. I try so damn hard to be happy. It is hard enough for myself why do I have to make everyone else happy too? I am exhausted. Maybe I will settle with the sun from the sea floor.

A Letter To Him Who Didn’t Mean To Set Me Free

The pleasure of moving on is unexplainable. it is so unbelievably satisfying. I had thought I had moved on from things in my past, but when you messaged me saying you had feelings for me, that I realized what moving on was. I no longer have feelings for or even toward you. I have never been more happy in my life. I was a sleeping hopeless drowning in my own sorrow. I think about the ones I have yet to move on from and I have realized moving on from you has given me the strength to move on from all of my past besides one person. I may never move on from him but there is always darkness when the light shines. Right in this tiny infinite moment, I am happy and cannot seem to focus on anything but good. For once I do not feel like the earth is moving and I am sitting still. I feel free. So thank you.