You know the thunderstorms? The ones that somehow strip all of your worry away. They are these intensely stressful thing in our atmosphere. There is just so much energy put into one ten minute spell of thunder and rain and wind and lightning. maybe the reason they are so calming is all of our stress and energy is stripped from our bodies and pulled into our surroundings to be used purely for the storm. And the moments right before, when you can feel the air shift. The breeze harsh but soft all at the same time. The smell, it’s like the world froze for a few minutes and you can smell the release. We talk about the calm before the storm a lot. Those exact moments are everything blissful right before the sky open up and fall upon our heads, but there is a difference from when we use that phrase that the reality of nature. When we say the calm before the storm, it’s generally because we know our lives are about to turn around completely. I wish when I said that I am feeling the calm before the storm right now, that I was about to feel the release I do when an actual storm starts, but I’m not. I can feel the storm surging and the longer we push it off the stronger it grows, the more energy it is going to have. My body gains more and more tension by the day and the anxiety builds in my chest. I can’t keep wondering where this is going to go. We have two options and one of them scares these shit out of me. Do I let these last few days pass and try to enjoy them but get caught in the rain when the storm starts or do I get a head start and hope the storm doesn’t start until I can watch it from inside. Either way there is a storm coming. The question is, how willing am I to get wet?
All my life has been a series of people telling me I have been doing it wrong. A never ending circle of you’re doing it wrong. It is everything I heard at home. From family, friends, teachers, plain acquaintances. Now to add you to the list. You look at me like that and I curl back into myself. It is everything I ran away from and now here we are. If I were to pray enough, do you think I could disappear? Don’t look at me with that dissappointment and expect me to just fall back into what we were. I have never felt more inferior and worthless. I have spent most of my life trying to balance all of my lives separately and the one time I want two parts of me to exist in the same space without having breaking myself in two. You remind me that it is not possible. I have been running so many different lives for so long and this was the last place I wanted to change myself but that is exactly what you are asking of me. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t hide from myself and everyone else anymore and I certainly can’t keep pretending to be okay. You’ve bled my heart dry and I don’t have the desire to spare your feelings anymore. please. Let me go.