The overwhelming sadness is growing again. That look in your eyes. That moment I saw everything you wish I wasn’t. In that moment you invited all of those dark demons back and they left their mark as they crawled their way back into my body. Your eyes showed me everything I could never be for you and I could feel my heart crumble. You know, you hold all of your secrets in your eyes. Everything you may try and hide away makes itself clear through your eyes and it scares everything within me. My head is pounding. I want to do everything right by you. Why can I never do it right? What can I do to make you happy, because all I ever seem to do is hurt you. Please, take all of me. Open all of the wounds on my wrists and drain me of all of my value. If everything I do in my life is wrong, let me do this right. All I want is to take all of your pain away and all I have managed to do is make your life harder. You can’t let me do this. I’m not worth any of it. I can never be what you want or what you need. I fell. I fell even when I knew I shouldn’t have. I have to keep reminding myself that if I give all of myself away maybe the world will release me. Empty my soul until there is nothing left in this body. I am exhausted and I will never be enough for you. I find myself saying sorry a lot to you. I wish, more than anything, I could be everything that you needed, but I can’t and for that I am so truly sorry.
A million words and my mouth can’t form any. A million thoughts and they remain unspoken, locked away in my mind without ever being released into the world. I can try to let them escape, to release them so that they can run to you but my body shakes in resistance. As I reach for the locks guarding these thoughts all of the words dissipate. With no words to sew together, I have nothing to give you. You ask me to tell you, to share myself with you, but my body will not physically let me. I will try to stabilize my voice for you, but even then, there is nothing to cross my lips into the air. Sometimes i wonder if we are all allotted a certain amount of words and I have run out because someone else is using mine. I want to give you my words but someone has already stolen them. I wish to share all of me with you. I want to give you all of the darkest and brightest corners of my soul, but my chest has a padlock that not even I have a key to. Please don’t mistake my silence as me not caring or not having anything to say. There is so much I could say but nothing that I understand enough to help you understand. Sometimes I believe I am not thinking anything or that my mind is moving too slow to string together words, but I think it is moving far to fast for the rest of me to keep up and I can’t even manage to reach and grab a few words to make a sentence. The whole world is rushing by and I can’t manage to make any sense of what I am seeing. Sometimes you manage to slow it all down for me. To make all the world disappear, but even then, I am so overwhelmed by what is happening in front of me. You want more from me than I can give you. Maybe one day I will be able to give you what you so desperately want, but until then, I am sorry.
Constant circles. Why am I surprised? I should not have expected anything else. My life feels like nothing more than a series of dreams. Things that are not real and will disappear in a short time. The worst part?…. It will all be gone soon. I can almost guarantee you, these things that are allowing me to be happy will soon fall through my grasp. Just like everything else has. The only real thing I know is home. It is the only solid thing I have, but I can’t seem to let myself stay there. I have this terrible tendency to run and then when I feel my self crumbling I start reaching for the closest things to make me happy, but they are only temporary solutions. Not because they are weak, but because I am. They could possibly be the things that could make me happy forever, but the moment things get confusing or the moment I get too attached, I run again. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am so afraid I am going to hurt someone this way. I’m afraid I am going to hurt someone because I am too afraid of them, because my mind can’t keep functioning on exhaustion and I don’t know how to give it back the energy it needs. I can’t focus. Your face is blurry. Even when my eyes are closed the world is rushing by. It’s giving me a headache and I think I am going to be sick. Don’t give me the opportunity to be your happiness. I will only ruin it. If you give me your happiness to hold, it will shatter. Without a doubt. I am happy with you, but I never let myself be happy for to long, and I am afraid you are going to pay the price. We are all going to pay the price. I pray every time that they are the ones to walk away. I pray that I won’t be the ones to hurt them, but I can never tell if it actually works out or if I push them until they finally decide to give. I really, truly hope it is the former. I would rather crumble by myself than take anyone with me. I have been at the bottom of this pit many times before. I can handle it. I have to deal with it, but no one else deserves to be surrounded by that darkness because of me. This dream is becoming to real. It is getting dangerously real, but even though It may seem opaque, it is never tangible. When I finally get the courage to try and touch it, it will crumble and I will go running once again.
You never fail to put a smile on my face. Somehow, with the simplest of words or actions and I lose every thought in my head and all I can do is smile. Questioning everything is how I live life. Never trusting anything which is really hard when someone tries to tell you they care about you, but you managed to make all of those questions disappear. They may only be gone for a moment, but with you that moment feels like a lifetime. My insides light up every time you touch me and everything is okay. My mind stops racing, my breathing evens out, my head stops pounding, my eyes stop burning. I am better when I am with you. Which makes me think I am going to mess it all up even more. That I am going to screw up royally and be left empty. I have done it plenty of times before. Each time I have manage to rebuild myself, stronger and better than before, but with you I know it’s all different. Even with the little amount of time we have had together, I know you are different. Your eyes are full of hope and hurt, love and fear. I can see it all, but most importantly, I see you. There is not a moment in the day I don’t wish I was spending with you and every time I leave you its like all the world’s brightest colors dull once again. I like seeing the world through vibrant eyes and that’s only possible with you. I want to see the world through the eyes you give me. Every fault and every miracle, every hill and every valley, every star and all the sky. I want the happiness you give me all the time. The flowers are growing back, not because you planted more there but you are taking care of the ones already there. You are taking care of the most fragile parts of me without knowing what they are. I don’t know how you are doing it, how you are feeding the butterflies in my stomach, how you are giving me the ability to breathe, but I love what I am with you.
I’m replaying you over and over again in my head. Is this normal? I have no space in my head for anything but you which is becoming problematic. I can’t help but think I am doing this wrong. That there is a right way to do this and this is not it. I am terrified of you and everything you mean for me. I am changing what I am, how I function. Not because you want me to but because who I am does not work like this, does not work with other people. No one fits into these pieces that have been carved out of me. The holes and indentions and all the empty places that this life has left me cannot be filled by any person. I am coming to realize that I don’t think I am meant to have anyone, to be in a relationship. Not only because they will not fit but because I cannot give anyone what they so desperately want. I cannot give them the most vulnerable parts of me that they deserve. My mind is stuck within me and it is kept in a cage, locked away to refuse access to even the most willing and qualified of persons. When I see my future, I see it alone. I see it without anyone to go through it with me, and it doesn’t scare me. I am at peace with knowing that I am comfortable in my own, in myself. But with the thought of you in my head, I promise I will do everything I can to make this work. To see myself with you.
What do you do when you realize there is nothing to look foward to? I was so happy everytime I got to go home. Happy for a break, happy for my friends, happy for my family. Now I feel as though I’ve become so seperate from them. I’m almost afraid to go back for so long. I’m afraid I am no longer the me that loved them. No longer the me that spent her time loving every moment around them. It hurts so much to think of all that I have lost being away but it hurts so much more going back to everything I have given up. Leaving is exactly what I needed to do for myself. No one here looks at me with expectations. They don’t look at me like I’m damaged. They don’t look at me with judgment or like I’m a role model. They don’t look at me like I need to be perfect. I needed to get away from that. To learn to let go and to learn to think without them. I am not happy here, but I am much more happy here than I am thinking about going home. It has been far to long and the wounds in my heart are still stinging with every memory that surfaces. I just want to cease to exsist for a while. To just seperate myself from this world and observe it in all of its beauty. To see their lives without me. Can I just escape it all? I am a whole new person. I am a whole person. I don’t know who I am at home anymore and I don’t know if I will be able to handle that.
My eyes are watering but I’m going to blame it on the fridged air. I know it’s cold out but I won’t put on a jacket. My hands are stinging but I refuse to put them in my pockets. I want this numbness more than I want sleep. It sounds stupid but I want the cold to crawl through my skin and freeze my chest from the inside out. I want frost to build over the flowers there so they cease to grow. I want to hollow my chest and open it up like the bleeding sky. The world moves even when my desires attempt and stop it. Removing any significance that my body had been given, my heart had been given, my life had been given. There is no end in sight for what seems like an inescapable void. I decide to lay in the grass and watch as the sky moves above me. My limbs slowly disappearing into the earth beneath me. Becoming unaware myself and everything I am. Letting my world go before I come crashing back down. Spiraling into reality and all of its painful inconveniences.
There is this hole in my chest. I think it is where the happiness used to be, but its gone and I am being drowned with the overwhelming power of my own emotions. I can feel that little pull in my stomach again. I feel the urges that I haven’t felt in quite a sometime and my vision has gone white. Relapsing, I am finding, hurts much more than where you were when you stopped. It may be because after all that time in the darkness I had found some light. I could finally smile without carving it into my face. It was a real smile that could remind my body that everything was good, was happy, but the light inside drained. It drained like I had been punctured all over and it was beyond ready to move on to it’s next subject. My mind has currupted all of the rays of light and it’s all becoming darkness again. Now my body is filled with nothingness. This time, it is not just mentally that I feel hurt and exhausted but physically. Every move I make and my body feels like it hasn’t been fed in weeks. It is as if all of my muscles know not what there fuction is and cannot manage to keep me upright. I am falling faster than ever before and I don’t think my body is going to have the strength to pull me out of the hole this time. My mind is running in circles. Constant thoughts of him suffocate me and they are keeping me up at night. I wish I could make them stop. It hurts so badly to think, to remember all of these painful memories. My skin is itching. I hate this feeling. I have never felt so desperate for a release. Old habits hit hard and I begin to vomit up all of the flowers that he has planted in my stomach, but they don’t come back the flowers they started as. They are poisoned and dying. They leave such a terrible taste in my mouth and I attempt to throw back the devil’s juice but all it leaves is the bitter taste of him on my lips.
You’ve left a hole in my chest. Much to big for the silence to fill. I am trying to fill in with empty words, empty smiles, empty love but it soaks into the surroundings like water soaks into the sand. There is a space in my head that is only filled with you. The smallest bank of words swelling to occupy the rest of my mind. I knew where this was going far before it began, and I let myself fall into this darkness. The only eyes I see are yours. Every face I look at, all I see is you. You have released me from your burden but I am holding on so tight for I am afraid that if I let go, I will fall to the ever growing depths of my not so solid ground. I have carved you into the wounds on my skin. The only thing that gave me relief from you now pollutes my blood with the remembrance of what could have been. Why am I like this? I put too much of my heart into things when I leave my head behind. I remind myself that is all temporary but once it fades I continue to break anyways. You held the entirety of my soul without even knowing it and now you have left it lying on the ground. I have found myself worthless without you to give me a purpose in this world. Your smile moves mountains inside of me but it is no longer reserved for me. I dug myself another hole and I don’t think I have the energy to pull myself out this time.
Your words turn into flowers in my chest. Vines that crawl through my throat into my head blinding me from everything I should be seeing. I feel my lungs expand with every new blossom and my chest tightens for they fill me much too fast. But when you leave, the flowers turn into the deadliest of creatures. Crawling through my throat. Escaping into the air. These attrocities prevent me from breathing. Make me question whether they could have ever been the beauty that escaped your lips. They whisper to me not the words they had once been but what my mind had changed them into. Only the most vulgar forms of speech are sent through every vertbrae in my spine. I have become afraid of you and everything it means for me when I hear your voice. Your hands around my waist become the vines who’s thorns rip into my skin and allow my demons to breathe in that which makes them stronger. I do not blame you for any of this. None of this is becasue of you. It is because of my own inability to differentiate between what is good and what is true. My mind clings to the darkness it has been taught and it polluts the rest of my body with unkind waters. This is not your fault but you are not beneficial to the continuation of my life. You plant flowers inside of me that cannot stay alive without your attention becasue I can do nothing but kill the most beautiful things in life. You have made my stomach a cage of butterflies but the acid kills them within moments of their arrival. You are everything that is beautiful and I am everything that will destroy that.