Constant circles. Why am I surprised? I should not have expected anything else. My life feels like nothing more than a series of dreams. Things that are not real and will disappear in a short time. The worst part?…. It will all be gone soon. I can almost guarantee you, these things that are allowing me to be happy will soon fall through my grasp. Just like everything else has. The only real thing I know is home. It is the only solid thing I have, but I can’t seem to let myself stay there. I have this terrible tendency to run and then when I feel my self crumbling I start reaching for the closest things to make me happy, but they are only temporary solutions. Not because they are weak, but because I am. They could possibly be the things that could make me happy forever, but the moment things get confusing or the moment I get too attached, I run again. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am so afraid I am going to hurt someone this way. I’m afraid I am going to hurt someone because I am too afraid of them, because my mind can’t keep functioning on exhaustion and I don’t know how to give it back the energy it needs. I can’t focus. Your face is blurry. Even when my eyes are closed the world is rushing by. It’s giving me a headache and I think I am going to be sick. Don’t give me the opportunity to be your happiness. I will only ruin it. If you give me your happiness to hold, it will shatter. Without a doubt. I am happy with you, but I never let myself be happy for to long, and I am afraid you are going to pay the price. We are all going to pay the price. I pray every time that they are the ones to walk away. I pray that I won’t be the ones to hurt them, but I can never tell if it actually works out or if I push them until they finally decide to give. I really, truly hope it is the former. I would rather crumble by myself than take anyone with me. I have been at the bottom of this pit many times before. I can handle it. I have to deal with it, but no one else deserves to be surrounded by that darkness because of me. This dream is becoming to real. It is getting dangerously real, but even though It may seem opaque, it is never tangible. When I finally get the courage to try and touch it, it will crumble and I will go running once again.
They asked me how I felt.
I said fine.
Little did they know
there were demons inside my mind.
I want to break my ribs and rip my heart from my chest and bury it so deep that it will not be able to feel the people walking over it. I want to plunge a knife into my chest and rip it down to release all the demons trapped within me. I want to open my veins and drain them of the darkness running through my blood. I want to take a gun to my head and feed the demons the only thing they are begging for. My mind is not a safe place and if I shared that with you, you would never look at me the same. I know what to say and exactly when to say it in order to please people. I have plastered a smile on my face so that no one would guess otherwise. They will never see a side of me that I do not want them to see. I am alone. For now, I am good with that.
I wish I could take in the little moments of release again…like I used to. My entire body is tense. I shake like I overdosed on caffeine. Still, I cannot relax. I soon as I get the chance I feel guilty. Should I feel Guilty? Something keeps eating away at my soul and I am losing myself. Forgetting who I used to be. Forgetting the happy I used to feel. What is happening to me? I am eternally exhausted and I am afraid you can see it from the outside. I am afraid I might treat them different because I am different. I don’t want to hurt them. They deserve so much more. They all do. Am I worth this pain. Is life worth this pain. I cannot breathe anymore. Someone has reached into my chest and is pulling at everything there. Why? Why can I not stop them? Why am I still here? I am not afraid of them…I am afraid of me.
I have been walking around like a zombie. No facial expressions to be the tell for what is going on in my head. Even if I tried, I could not make any expressions for not even I know what is going through my head. I have been so angry and upset, mostly toward myself, but I have absolutely no idea how to fix it. I wish humans were like cars. We could just pop open the top of our skulls and fix whatever is wrong. Alas, we remain a mystery, even to ourselves. I am not quite sure who I am anymore. Interestingly enough, I do not expect to see what I do in the mirror when I look. I do not see me. I see a stranger attempting to convince me of her innocence. I do not know how to react to anything anymore. I am not even sure of the things I enjoy anymore. I guess now is as good as time as any for an existential crisis. In four months my life will change forever and I am not sure if I will be able to adapt. My mind has become so separate from my body, I am not sure of anything anymore.
It has become a nightly thing now. The tears. The clawing. The silent screams. I am falling into old habits and it hurts like hell. All of the things I have been running from for so long, I am beginning to run into. My head hurts. The headaches come so easily now. It is like they barely ever go away. Why does it hurt so bad? Why do I miss you so much? I wish I could let go. More than anything. Well, maybe I want to talk to you more than I want to get over the fact that I can’t. I do not know what to do with myself. I am running in circles. In the entire day, nothing matters, it all leads up to the moment when I crawl into bed and turn out the lights and the demons spill out of my mouth and envelope me in darkness. Have you noticed that I am dying? Should I tell you?
It is all alright until the lights go out. When I turn the lights off, my mind runs crazy. Everything I once knew becomes a lie. It begins to fill with strange realities that I wish to be nightmares. Nothing seems real, but at the same time, it is all too real. Can you imagine your fondest memories of the day and it all being consumed by black shadows and darkness. My mind is overcome with monsters, demons, and all my greatest fears. It is a scary place to be, your own mind. You are stuck, trapped, with no one to help you out. You are stuck to save yourself.