There is this hole in my chest. I think it is where the happiness used to be, but its gone and I am being drowned with the overwhelming power of my own emotions. I can feel that little pull in my stomach again. I feel the urges that I haven’t felt in quite a sometime and my vision has gone white. Relapsing, I am finding, hurts much more than where you were when you stopped. It may be because after all that time in the darkness I had found some light. I could finally smile without carving it into my face. It was a real smile that could remind my body that everything was good, was happy, but the light inside drained. It drained like I had been punctured all over and it was beyond ready to move on to it’s next subject. My mind has currupted all of the rays of light and it’s all becoming darkness again. Now my body is filled with nothingness. This time, it is not just mentally that I feel hurt and exhausted but physically. Every move I make and my body feels like it hasn’t been fed in weeks. It is as if all of my muscles know not what there fuction is and cannot manage to keep me upright. I am falling faster than ever before and I don’t think my body is going to have the strength to pull me out of the hole this time. My mind is running in circles. Constant thoughts of him suffocate me and they are keeping me up at night. I wish I could make them stop. It hurts so badly to think, to remember all of these painful memories. My skin is itching. I hate this feeling. I have never felt so desperate for a release. Old habits hit hard and I begin to vomit up all of the flowers that he has planted in my stomach, but they don’t come back the flowers they started as. They are poisoned and dying. They leave such a terrible taste in my mouth and I attempt to throw back the devil’s juice but all it leaves is the bitter taste of him on my lips.
You’ve left a hole in my chest. Much to big for the silence to fill. I am trying to fill in with empty words, empty smiles, empty love but it soaks into the surroundings like water soaks into the sand. There is a space in my head that is only filled with you. The smallest bank of words swelling to occupy the rest of my mind. I knew where this was going far before it began, and I let myself fall into this darkness. The only eyes I see are yours. Every face I look at, all I see is you. You have released me from your burden but I am holding on so tight for I am afraid that if I let go, I will fall to the ever growing depths of my not so solid ground. I have carved you into the wounds on my skin. The only thing that gave me relief from you now pollutes my blood with the remembrance of what could have been. Why am I like this? I put too much of my heart into things when I leave my head behind. I remind myself that is all temporary but once it fades I continue to break anyways. You held the entirety of my soul without even knowing it and now you have left it lying on the ground. I have found myself worthless without you to give me a purpose in this world. Your smile moves mountains inside of me but it is no longer reserved for me. I dug myself another hole and I don’t think I have the energy to pull myself out this time.
It’s like we never stopped talking. I never realized how much I missed you until I had you back. I have felt so broken for so long but for this moment, this moment talking to you, I feel whole. My life is a constant blur of unsure happenings that I cannot seem to get ahold of. But when I am talking to you the world slows down for a second and I can breathe. I am happy with you. I thought I might be in love with you, but I do not really know what the feeling is. All I know is your were my best friend and my life is better with you in it. I will not lose you again. I will hold tighter to you than I have held on to anyone because I know what it is like to not have you and it hurts like hell. I don’t want to go through that ever again.
I feel sick. The last time I felt like this it ended worse than I could ever have imagined. Last time I felt this sick I was left with a scar on my wrist that looks like a line terminating my existence. But, yet again, here I am. Nine years. Nine years between us and somehow we have managed to make this out of our lives. Two days and you make me think about every waking moment of my existence and question every choice I have ever made. Is this my fault? My stomach feels like it is consuming itself and someone’s hand is reaching down my throat to stop it. I am alone in this and I do not know how I got here. You are kind. You are sweet. But even the day I become legal I am the same person that I am just the day before. One day does not change me. So why is it then and only then that we can be? I do not think this can work but for some reason, I cannot say no. This is my fault. I got myself into the situation. You do not make me sick. I make me sick. I am repulsed by the thought that I can be so ignorant and so willing. Though you are okay with this I am not. But I will not tell you that because I am weak. I will continue and wait until I become so sick of the thoughts going through my head and you decide that whatever this is cannot work. It is always me. I will always get myself into this. I am my own problem. I am my own worst fear. I am sorry just as sorry as I will be when we end this. I am sick and I do not know if I can live with it.
They asked me how I felt.
I said fine.
Little did they know
there were demons inside my mind.
I want to break my ribs and rip my heart from my chest and bury it so deep that it will not be able to feel the people walking over it. I want to plunge a knife into my chest and rip it down to release all the demons trapped within me. I want to open my veins and drain them of the darkness running through my blood. I want to take a gun to my head and feed the demons the only thing they are begging for. My mind is not a safe place and if I shared that with you, you would never look at me the same. I know what to say and exactly when to say it in order to please people. I have plastered a smile on my face so that no one would guess otherwise. They will never see a side of me that I do not want them to see. I am alone. For now, I am good with that.
I wish I could take in the little moments of release again…like I used to. My entire body is tense. I shake like I overdosed on caffeine. Still, I cannot relax. I soon as I get the chance I feel guilty. Should I feel Guilty? Something keeps eating away at my soul and I am losing myself. Forgetting who I used to be. Forgetting the happy I used to feel. What is happening to me? I am eternally exhausted and I am afraid you can see it from the outside. I am afraid I might treat them different because I am different. I don’t want to hurt them. They deserve so much more. They all do. Am I worth this pain. Is life worth this pain. I cannot breathe anymore. Someone has reached into my chest and is pulling at everything there. Why? Why can I not stop them? Why am I still here? I am not afraid of them…I am afraid of me.
I have been walking around like a zombie. No facial expressions to be the tell for what is going on in my head. Even if I tried, I could not make any expressions for not even I know what is going through my head. I have been so angry and upset, mostly toward myself, but I have absolutely no idea how to fix it. I wish humans were like cars. We could just pop open the top of our skulls and fix whatever is wrong. Alas, we remain a mystery, even to ourselves. I am not quite sure who I am anymore. Interestingly enough, I do not expect to see what I do in the mirror when I look. I do not see me. I see a stranger attempting to convince me of her innocence. I do not know how to react to anything anymore. I am not even sure of the things I enjoy anymore. I guess now is as good as time as any for an existential crisis. In four months my life will change forever and I am not sure if I will be able to adapt. My mind has become so separate from my body, I am not sure of anything anymore.
I am not exactly sure what I am feeling, but my chest hurts. In excitement, in fear, in anticipation. I thought it would make me feel whole again but somehow I got shoved into this anticipation loop where I never know what to expect. It used to be so easy and comfortable but for some reason, it is like you are a stranger and I get nervous to talk to you. However, I am strangely content for the moment. I know you are doing alright. I know that if you do not reply I did not waste my time just wondering if you would. I know. I miss you and my chest is an endless abyss with nothing to fill it, but you are okay. You are good.
It has become a nightly thing now. The tears. The clawing. The silent screams. I am falling into old habits and it hurts like hell. All of the things I have been running from for so long, I am beginning to run into. My head hurts. The headaches come so easily now. It is like they barely ever go away. Why does it hurt so bad? Why do I miss you so much? I wish I could let go. More than anything. Well, maybe I want to talk to you more than I want to get over the fact that I can’t. I do not know what to do with myself. I am running in circles. In the entire day, nothing matters, it all leads up to the moment when I crawl into bed and turn out the lights and the demons spill out of my mouth and envelope me in darkness. Have you noticed that I am dying? Should I tell you?
The pleasure of moving on is unexplainable. it is so unbelievably satisfying. I had thought I had moved on from things in my past, but when you messaged me saying you had feelings for me, that I realized what moving on was. I no longer have feelings for or even toward you. I have never been more happy in my life. I was a sleeping hopeless drowning in my own sorrow. I think about the ones I have yet to move on from and I have realized moving on from you has given me the strength to move on from all of my past besides one person. I may never move on from him but there is always darkness when the light shines. Right in this tiny infinite moment, I am happy and cannot seem to focus on anything but good. For once I do not feel like the earth is moving and I am sitting still. I feel free. So thank you.