You’ve left a hole in my chest. Much to big for the silence to fill. I am trying to fill in with empty words, empty smiles, empty love but it soaks into the surroundings like water soaks into the sand. There is a space in my head that is only filled with you. The smallest bank of words swelling to occupy the rest of my mind. I knew where this was going far before it began, and I let myself fall into this darkness. The only eyes I see are yours. Every face I look at, all I see is you. You have released me from your burden but I am holding on so tight for I am afraid that if I let go, I will fall to the ever growing depths of my not so solid ground. I have carved you into the wounds on my skin. The only thing that gave me relief from you now pollutes my blood with the remembrance of what could have been. Why am I like this? I put too much of my heart into things when I leave my head behind. I remind myself that is all temporary but once it fades I continue to break anyways. You held the entirety of my soul without even knowing it and now you have left it lying on the ground. I have found myself worthless without you to give me a purpose in this world. Your smile moves mountains inside of me but it is no longer reserved for me. I dug myself another hole and I don’t think I have the energy to pull myself out this time.
I haven’t eaten in days. Its not that I’m not hungry, no my stomach feels like it is about to consume itself, but I feel like if I eat I am going to vomit. I have never felt like this before. I’m not sure if it is nerves or overwhelming sadness. Maybe both. You see, I’ve never had to say goodbye before. It was always just a see you later. It isn’t like I will never see them again, but it almost feels like it. It feels like when I leave they are going to forget about me. Like all of these memories we have made will be erased from their minds and I will become an outsider once more. I have been avoiding these words because I was trying to convince myself otherwise, but I broke. My chest is so tight, my eyes are tired, my body is shaking, and my heart feels like it has stopped. I have met people disguised as angel this year. I met people that probably did so much more good for my life than I could ever do for theirs and I am terrified that by the time I come back, they will have moved on. My insides feel like they are crumbling. My body cannot support the weight my shoulders are bearing. I can hear the sweet whisper of anxiety again. It is like it never left. My body is shutting down but I have to keep moving. I was so happy, but obviously happiness is a privelege not a right and it most definitely does not belong to me. The muscles in my face seem to be weaker. I can no longer smile. My whole body feels weaker for that matter. I do not wish to move. The memories run through my head like a cheesy movie montage but instead of calming my body seems more disturbed and tries to shut the thoughts away, but they continue playing and the tears continue falling. I sure hope this goes away soon or this year is going to be harder than anticipated.