I just had a very…existential moment.For a moment my life vanished. All of my memory was gone and all I could think was…well I am not really sure. I am terribly confused because I am not sure what I am feeling. I know my stomach is turning and I feel as though I may be sick, but I cannot tell you what this sensation is. I feel like I am breathing fresh air. Like I am being given a clean start. Even though it is close to freezing outside, I feel as though it is one of those spring days when the whole world feels right. Like clean sheets hanging on a clothesline being dried by a pleasant breeze. Like that one song I had on repeat the summer that I was 12. Like Easter when Mom would open all of the windows in the house while she was cleaning. Like those late nights in the summer when we were in elementary school. I am so terribly confused because these are all of the best feelings that could ever come to mind, but I feel so unsteady. Tears are steadily streaming down my face and they have no intention of stopping. This isn’t one of those reminiscing moments. I have had those. I know what those feel like. This is not that. I feel like my soul is somewhere else. I do not feel like me. I do not know where I have gone. The worst part of having these feelings at 3 am is that there is no one to talk to about them. I am on my own. It is so hard to write what I am feeling when I don’t even know. All I know is that tonight my hip isn’t going to be enough.
I have been reading a lot lately. It is always a bad idea. You see, when I read books I get it this terrible mood that leads to me sinking back into that endless abyss. Books are supposed to be an escape right? Well, that is what it is for me, but only for a little while. I become so invested in the story. I feel everything the character is feeling as if I am them as if I am experiencing everything they are. I become so invested that I cannot think of anything else. My mind can only focus on the story and the emotions of this book. While I am reading the book, it isn’t such a bad thing, but when the book ends so do I. I am left empty because the book drained me of all feeling. I don’t think it would be so bad but I have realized that I feel. I feel so hard and with everything I have. I hurt myself because I feel everything so damn much. I am drained of everything I am and it is kept in little places of my life that I can never reach. I think that is the biggest thing people do not understand about me so they don’t know how to treat me. That is why am always the one that ends up hurt in the end.
It’s like we never stopped talking. I never realized how much I missed you until I had you back. I have felt so broken for so long but for this moment, this moment talking to you, I feel whole. My life is a constant blur of unsure happenings that I cannot seem to get ahold of. But when I am talking to you the world slows down for a second and I can breathe. I am happy with you. I thought I might be in love with you, but I do not really know what the feeling is. All I know is your were my best friend and my life is better with you in it. I will not lose you again. I will hold tighter to you than I have held on to anyone because I know what it is like to not have you and it hurts like hell. I don’t want to go through that ever again.
They asked me how I felt.
I said fine.
Little did they know
there were demons inside my mind.
I want to break my ribs and rip my heart from my chest and bury it so deep that it will not be able to feel the people walking over it. I want to plunge a knife into my chest and rip it down to release all the demons trapped within me. I want to open my veins and drain them of the darkness running through my blood. I want to take a gun to my head and feed the demons the only thing they are begging for. My mind is not a safe place and if I shared that with you, you would never look at me the same. I know what to say and exactly when to say it in order to please people. I have plastered a smile on my face so that no one would guess otherwise. They will never see a side of me that I do not want them to see. I am alone. For now, I am good with that.
I am trying to be Happy. I am trying so hard, but there is some caged animal that tries to climb up my throat every time I smile. Happiness is not a realistic goal. Well, it seemed like it was until I found that it seemed like no one around me wanted to be happy. When you show the slightest sign of light they rip it away hoarding it like it was never yours to begin with. How can you be happy when all of it is being sucked out of you. It should not be so exhausting to be happy. Change your attitude, smile more, act like it is all okay. If you are not happy, act like you are. Only then will it come. Even then, I am struggling to hold my head above water. My limbs are getting tired and I am losing strength. I try so damn hard to be happy. It is hard enough for myself why do I have to make everyone else happy too? I am exhausted. Maybe I will settle with the sun from the sea floor.
I wish I could take in the little moments of release again…like I used to. My entire body is tense. I shake like I overdosed on caffeine. Still, I cannot relax. I soon as I get the chance I feel guilty. Should I feel Guilty? Something keeps eating away at my soul and I am losing myself. Forgetting who I used to be. Forgetting the happy I used to feel. What is happening to me? I am eternally exhausted and I am afraid you can see it from the outside. I am afraid I might treat them different because I am different. I don’t want to hurt them. They deserve so much more. They all do. Am I worth this pain. Is life worth this pain. I cannot breathe anymore. Someone has reached into my chest and is pulling at everything there. Why? Why can I not stop them? Why am I still here? I am not afraid of them…I am afraid of me.
I have been walking around like a zombie. No facial expressions to be the tell for what is going on in my head. Even if I tried, I could not make any expressions for not even I know what is going through my head. I have been so angry and upset, mostly toward myself, but I have absolutely no idea how to fix it. I wish humans were like cars. We could just pop open the top of our skulls and fix whatever is wrong. Alas, we remain a mystery, even to ourselves. I am not quite sure who I am anymore. Interestingly enough, I do not expect to see what I do in the mirror when I look. I do not see me. I see a stranger attempting to convince me of her innocence. I do not know how to react to anything anymore. I am not even sure of the things I enjoy anymore. I guess now is as good as time as any for an existential crisis. In four months my life will change forever and I am not sure if I will be able to adapt. My mind has become so separate from my body, I am not sure of anything anymore.
I am stuck in the middle looking out for everyone else. I am in the middle and no one is looking out for me. I am run over time after time like a dead animal on the side of the road nobody seems to notice. Huh. Dead. Death. I am dead inside and nobody cares enough to see. I am the watcher. No one will watch me. My life was made into existence for the sole reason of prolonging someone else’s. I now know the only emotions I will be facing is numbness in my attempts to avoid stressing my life to be a crutch for yours.
Life is a funny thing, ya know? One moment you think you understand everything perfectly. The next moment you are lost. I have been running so fast that I have forgotten to look where I was going. And man did I get lost. It is like at the beach. When you are in the ocean and wave after wave crashes into you. Then there is a pause and everything is calm. You can see to the horizon. Then you turn your back and you are overtaken by something you never saw coming. I do not know where my head is anymore and I cannot tell if that is a bad thing. I am blissfully ignorant to my surroundings, but I know all to well things I should not. Avoiding the world like it is the plague sounds quite pleasurable, but if I do that would my life become irrelevant therefore making what I am running from pointless? Dammit. Just another question for me to never have an answer to.
What do you do when you find yourself in a situation that you have been in before? When the situation you have encountered ripped through all of your insides. I have been through this before, but somehow I seem to not be able to avoid making the same mistakes. Are the mistakes I made the first time still mistakes if I make them again? There are so many questions running through my mind that I am drowning in them, but some how these are the only ones that will surface. That is a lie. Maybe they are all at the surface. I just keep getting my fingers caught in this one. It is him. He is the reason these are the questions on my lips. He wants these questions to haunt me. To ruin every moment of sleep I could have gotten. Is that his goal? Should I let him go? I have been through this before but the only thing I can seem to remember is the pain that I end up with. The constant nagging at my insides. I cannot remember to react differently perhaps because I still think it might end differently. Nothing good can come from this. Yet I cannot seem to let it go. I have been through this before.