You never fail to put a smile on my face. Somehow, with the simplest of words or actions and I lose every thought in my head and all I can do is smile. Questioning everything is how I live life. Never trusting anything which is really hard when someone tries to tell you they care about you, but you managed to make all of those questions disappear. They may only be gone for a moment, but with you that moment feels like a lifetime. My insides light up every time you touch me and everything is okay. My mind stops racing, my breathing evens out, my head stops pounding, my eyes stop burning. I am better when I am with you. Which makes me think I am going to mess it all up even more. That I am going to screw up royally and be left empty. I have done it plenty of times before. Each time I have manage to rebuild myself, stronger and better than before, but with you I know it’s all different. Even with the little amount of time we have had together, I know you are different. Your eyes are full of hope and hurt, love and fear. I can see it all, but most importantly, I see you. There is not a moment in the day I don’t wish I was spending with you and every time I leave you its like all the world’s brightest colors dull once again. I like seeing the world through vibrant eyes and that’s only possible with you. I want to see the world through the eyes you give me. Every fault and every miracle, every hill and every valley, every star and all the sky. I want the happiness you give me all the time. The flowers are growing back, not because you planted more there but you are taking care of the ones already there. You are taking care of the most fragile parts of me without knowing what they are. I don’t know how you are doing it, how you are feeding the butterflies in my stomach, how you are giving me the ability to breathe, but I love what I am with you.
I’m replaying you over and over again in my head. Is this normal? I have no space in my head for anything but you which is becoming problematic. I can’t help but think I am doing this wrong. That there is a right way to do this and this is not it. I am terrified of you and everything you mean for me. I am changing what I am, how I function. Not because you want me to but because who I am does not work like this, does not work with other people. No one fits into these pieces that have been carved out of me. The holes and indentions and all the empty places that this life has left me cannot be filled by any person. I am coming to realize that I don’t think I am meant to have anyone, to be in a relationship. Not only because they will not fit but because I cannot give anyone what they so desperately want. I cannot give them the most vulnerable parts of me that they deserve. My mind is stuck within me and it is kept in a cage, locked away to refuse access to even the most willing and qualified of persons. When I see my future, I see it alone. I see it without anyone to go through it with me, and it doesn’t scare me. I am at peace with knowing that I am comfortable in my own, in myself. But with the thought of you in my head, I promise I will do everything I can to make this work. To see myself with you.
What do you do when you realize there is nothing to look foward to? I was so happy everytime I got to go home. Happy for a break, happy for my friends, happy for my family. Now I feel as though I’ve become so seperate from them. I’m almost afraid to go back for so long. I’m afraid I am no longer the me that loved them. No longer the me that spent her time loving every moment around them. It hurts so much to think of all that I have lost being away but it hurts so much more going back to everything I have given up. Leaving is exactly what I needed to do for myself. No one here looks at me with expectations. They don’t look at me like I’m damaged. They don’t look at me with judgment or like I’m a role model. They don’t look at me like I need to be perfect. I needed to get away from that. To learn to let go and to learn to think without them. I am not happy here, but I am much more happy here than I am thinking about going home. It has been far to long and the wounds in my heart are still stinging with every memory that surfaces. I just want to cease to exsist for a while. To just seperate myself from this world and observe it in all of its beauty. To see their lives without me. Can I just escape it all? I am a whole new person. I am a whole person. I don’t know who I am at home anymore and I don’t know if I will be able to handle that.
My eyes are watering but I’m going to blame it on the fridged air. I know it’s cold out but I won’t put on a jacket. My hands are stinging but I refuse to put them in my pockets. I want this numbness more than I want sleep. It sounds stupid but I want the cold to crawl through my skin and freeze my chest from the inside out. I want frost to build over the flowers there so they cease to grow. I want to hollow my chest and open it up like the bleeding sky. The world moves even when my desires attempt and stop it. Removing any significance that my body had been given, my heart had been given, my life had been given. There is no end in sight for what seems like an inescapable void. I decide to lay in the grass and watch as the sky moves above me. My limbs slowly disappearing into the earth beneath me. Becoming unaware myself and everything I am. Letting my world go before I come crashing back down. Spiraling into reality and all of its painful inconveniences.
There is this hole in my chest. I think it is where the happiness used to be, but its gone and I am being drowned with the overwhelming power of my own emotions. I can feel that little pull in my stomach again. I feel the urges that I haven’t felt in quite a sometime and my vision has gone white. Relapsing, I am finding, hurts much more than where you were when you stopped. It may be because after all that time in the darkness I had found some light. I could finally smile without carving it into my face. It was a real smile that could remind my body that everything was good, was happy, but the light inside drained. It drained like I had been punctured all over and it was beyond ready to move on to it’s next subject. My mind has currupted all of the rays of light and it’s all becoming darkness again. Now my body is filled with nothingness. This time, it is not just mentally that I feel hurt and exhausted but physically. Every move I make and my body feels like it hasn’t been fed in weeks. It is as if all of my muscles know not what there fuction is and cannot manage to keep me upright. I am falling faster than ever before and I don’t think my body is going to have the strength to pull me out of the hole this time. My mind is running in circles. Constant thoughts of him suffocate me and they are keeping me up at night. I wish I could make them stop. It hurts so badly to think, to remember all of these painful memories. My skin is itching. I hate this feeling. I have never felt so desperate for a release. Old habits hit hard and I begin to vomit up all of the flowers that he has planted in my stomach, but they don’t come back the flowers they started as. They are poisoned and dying. They leave such a terrible taste in my mouth and I attempt to throw back the devil’s juice but all it leaves is the bitter taste of him on my lips.
You’ve left a hole in my chest. Much to big for the silence to fill. I am trying to fill in with empty words, empty smiles, empty love but it soaks into the surroundings like water soaks into the sand. There is a space in my head that is only filled with you. The smallest bank of words swelling to occupy the rest of my mind. I knew where this was going far before it began, and I let myself fall into this darkness. The only eyes I see are yours. Every face I look at, all I see is you. You have released me from your burden but I am holding on so tight for I am afraid that if I let go, I will fall to the ever growing depths of my not so solid ground. I have carved you into the wounds on my skin. The only thing that gave me relief from you now pollutes my blood with the remembrance of what could have been. Why am I like this? I put too much of my heart into things when I leave my head behind. I remind myself that is all temporary but once it fades I continue to break anyways. You held the entirety of my soul without even knowing it and now you have left it lying on the ground. I have found myself worthless without you to give me a purpose in this world. Your smile moves mountains inside of me but it is no longer reserved for me. I dug myself another hole and I don’t think I have the energy to pull myself out this time.
Your words turn into flowers in my chest. Vines that crawl through my throat into my head blinding me from everything I should be seeing. I feel my lungs expand with every new blossom and my chest tightens for they fill me much too fast. But when you leave, the flowers turn into the deadliest of creatures. Crawling through my throat. Escaping into the air. These attrocities prevent me from breathing. Make me question whether they could have ever been the beauty that escaped your lips. They whisper to me not the words they had once been but what my mind had changed them into. Only the most vulgar forms of speech are sent through every vertbrae in my spine. I have become afraid of you and everything it means for me when I hear your voice. Your hands around my waist become the vines who’s thorns rip into my skin and allow my demons to breathe in that which makes them stronger. I do not blame you for any of this. None of this is becasue of you. It is because of my own inability to differentiate between what is good and what is true. My mind clings to the darkness it has been taught and it polluts the rest of my body with unkind waters. This is not your fault but you are not beneficial to the continuation of my life. You plant flowers inside of me that cannot stay alive without your attention becasue I can do nothing but kill the most beautiful things in life. You have made my stomach a cage of butterflies but the acid kills them within moments of their arrival. You are everything that is beautiful and I am everything that will destroy that.
I am so worried about you. All the god damn time. Then I go from being worried about you to convincing myself that you are better off without me. That your life is better without me in it. I can’t choose and I can’t decide which one I would rather. I think I may be projecting what I feel onto your body. I do not see what is really you. I see that I am hurting being away from you and hoping you feel the same way. I am missing you like crazy. You probably don’t think about it at all in your day, but you are always on my mind. I am happy right now. I don’t want you to think that I’m not. I really am enjoying myself. I just think about you a lot. I think about you every time I dance and I wish you were behind me with your hands on my waste. I think about you every time I lay in bed and wish your legs were tangled in mine. I think about you when its quiet and wish the silence was filled with your voice. It is like my pillow is made of you and as soon as my head hits it you enter my dreams. Every time I close my eyes, I see you. No matter how much I enjoy myself, you are always there. In the back of my mind. Reminding me of what I am missing. As much as I wish you felt the same way, I hope you aren’t hurting like me. I hope your heart doesn’t ache every time you think about our last night together. As much as I want to be the one, I hope you find someone to fill you heart with joy and love and that reminds you every day how much your worth. You deserve so much and I hope, even if it isn’t me, that you find that.
I haven’t eaten in days. Its not that I’m not hungry, no my stomach feels like it is about to consume itself, but I feel like if I eat I am going to vomit. I have never felt like this before. I’m not sure if it is nerves or overwhelming sadness. Maybe both. You see, I’ve never had to say goodbye before. It was always just a see you later. It isn’t like I will never see them again, but it almost feels like it. It feels like when I leave they are going to forget about me. Like all of these memories we have made will be erased from their minds and I will become an outsider once more. I have been avoiding these words because I was trying to convince myself otherwise, but I broke. My chest is so tight, my eyes are tired, my body is shaking, and my heart feels like it has stopped. I have met people disguised as angel this year. I met people that probably did so much more good for my life than I could ever do for theirs and I am terrified that by the time I come back, they will have moved on. My insides feel like they are crumbling. My body cannot support the weight my shoulders are bearing. I can hear the sweet whisper of anxiety again. It is like it never left. My body is shutting down but I have to keep moving. I was so happy, but obviously happiness is a privelege not a right and it most definitely does not belong to me. The muscles in my face seem to be weaker. I can no longer smile. My whole body feels weaker for that matter. I do not wish to move. The memories run through my head like a cheesy movie montage but instead of calming my body seems more disturbed and tries to shut the thoughts away, but they continue playing and the tears continue falling. I sure hope this goes away soon or this year is going to be harder than anticipated.
When I say I love you… I mean I want, with my entire body, for you to know how important you are. I mean everything you are is a part of my soul and to lose you would mean to lose a part of myself. I am made of little pieces of the people in my life. When I say I love you, I mean you have cured the aching parts of my soul and filled it with only the brightes rays of sun. I mean that I never want to have a life where you don’t exist. I know, all too well, what it is like to feel the indiffernce of the world toward you and I never want you to know what that is. I want you to know the weight of those three words when I say them to you. I am crushed by their weight as the cross the threshold of my mouth. As they rest upon your ears waiting for your acknowledgement they have great hold on my heart to keep me attached so that not a single syllable is empty. You may not guess the weight of these words based on the frequency of their use but I say it as often as possible so that you know how much I truly do love you. Yes, eveytime I say them they mean just as much and the same amout of my soul is released with each time. These words are by no means expendable no matter how often I say them. You see, I would much rather love too much than not at all. I would rather give all of my heart than it become brittle while dust settles upon it, becasue if I do not give my love it will be stolen from me by those who do not deserve it and in the end, if not used, it will be unavailing. When I tell you I love you…I mean my soul belongs to you. I mean you matter more to me that myself.