You know the thunderstorms? The ones that somehow strip all of your worry away. They are these intensely stressful thing in our atmosphere. There is just so much energy put into one ten minute spell of thunder and rain and wind and lightning. maybe the reason they are so calming is all of our stress and energy is stripped from our bodies and pulled into our surroundings to be used purely for the storm. And the moments right before, when you can feel the air shift. The breeze harsh but soft all at the same time. The smell, it’s like the world froze for a few minutes and you can smell the release. We talk about the calm before the storm a lot. Those exact moments are everything blissful right before the sky open up and fall upon our heads, but there is a difference from when we use that phrase that the reality of nature. When we say the calm before the storm, it’s generally because we know our lives are about to turn around completely. I wish when I said that I am feeling the calm before the storm right now, that I was about to feel the release I do when an actual storm starts, but I’m not. I can feel the storm surging and the longer we push it off the stronger it grows, the more energy it is going to have. My body gains more and more tension by the day and the anxiety builds in my chest. I can’t keep wondering where this is going to go. We have two options and one of them scares these shit out of me. Do I let these last few days pass and try to enjoy them but get caught in the rain when the storm starts or do I get a head start and hope the storm doesn’t start until I can watch it from inside. Either way there is a storm coming. The question is, how willing am I to get wet?
All my life has been a series of people telling me I have been doing it wrong. A never ending circle of you’re doing it wrong. It is everything I heard at home. From family, friends, teachers, plain acquaintances. Now to add you to the list. You look at me like that and I curl back into myself. It is everything I ran away from and now here we are. If I were to pray enough, do you think I could disappear? Don’t look at me with that dissappointment and expect me to just fall back into what we were. I have never felt more inferior and worthless. I have spent most of my life trying to balance all of my lives separately and the one time I want two parts of me to exist in the same space without having breaking myself in two. You remind me that it is not possible. I have been running so many different lives for so long and this was the last place I wanted to change myself but that is exactly what you are asking of me. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t hide from myself and everyone else anymore and I certainly can’t keep pretending to be okay. You’ve bled my heart dry and I don’t have the desire to spare your feelings anymore. please. Let me go.
Rip open my chest and bleed me of life until the skies turn red.
Show me the fire in your eyes that turns your soul red.
Bleed your anger into my palms so I can understand the flashes of red I see when I see you.
Tell me why your life is filled with the heat and anger that should not belong to any human. Tell me why you wear red on your sleeves.
No one sees it but I see you and I see the weight you carry on your shoulders. I see there is something weighing on your soul that you cannot shake and it is tearing your mind to pieces. Your body is over flowing with red oceans that are drowning you because you never learned how to tread through it. The waters have reached the fill line and I can see the vast oceans expanding in your eyes.
Red. Red. Red.
I see red. But I see you. There is a film of scarlet over my eyes. I see the world with the crimson filter.
It is me that is vexed. Lost in this world that someone has spilled their wine into.
Stride toward me and find comfort in this familiarity. For it welcomes you like a blazing campfire on the winter nights. The arms of the flames wrap around your body as the fading embers fall upon your face.
Your lungs have been filled with the fallout when your world came crashing down but this world was built specially for you. Built to heat up your soul once more and burn through your reddened casing.
The overwhelming sadness is growing again. That look in your eyes. That moment I saw everything you wish I wasn’t. In that moment you invited all of those dark demons back and they left their mark as they crawled their way back into my body. Your eyes showed me everything I could never be for you and I could feel my heart crumble. You know, you hold all of your secrets in your eyes. Everything you may try and hide away makes itself clear through your eyes and it scares everything within me. My head is pounding. I want to do everything right by you. Why can I never do it right? What can I do to make you happy, because all I ever seem to do is hurt you. Please, take all of me. Open all of the wounds on my wrists and drain me of all of my value. If everything I do in my life is wrong, let me do this right. All I want is to take all of your pain away and all I have managed to do is make your life harder. You can’t let me do this. I’m not worth any of it. I can never be what you want or what you need. I fell. I fell even when I knew I shouldn’t have. I have to keep reminding myself that if I give all of myself away maybe the world will release me. Empty my soul until there is nothing left in this body. I am exhausted and I will never be enough for you. I find myself saying sorry a lot to you. I wish, more than anything, I could be everything that you needed, but I can’t and for that I am so truly sorry.
A million words and my mouth can’t form any. A million thoughts and they remain unspoken, locked away in my mind without ever being released into the world. I can try to let them escape, to release them so that they can run to you but my body shakes in resistance. As I reach for the locks guarding these thoughts all of the words dissipate. With no words to sew together, I have nothing to give you. You ask me to tell you, to share myself with you, but my body will not physically let me. I will try to stabilize my voice for you, but even then, there is nothing to cross my lips into the air. Sometimes i wonder if we are all allotted a certain amount of words and I have run out because someone else is using mine. I want to give you my words but someone has already stolen them. I wish to share all of me with you. I want to give you all of the darkest and brightest corners of my soul, but my chest has a padlock that not even I have a key to. Please don’t mistake my silence as me not caring or not having anything to say. There is so much I could say but nothing that I understand enough to help you understand. Sometimes I believe I am not thinking anything or that my mind is moving too slow to string together words, but I think it is moving far to fast for the rest of me to keep up and I can’t even manage to reach and grab a few words to make a sentence. The whole world is rushing by and I can’t manage to make any sense of what I am seeing. Sometimes you manage to slow it all down for me. To make all the world disappear, but even then, I am so overwhelmed by what is happening in front of me. You want more from me than I can give you. Maybe one day I will be able to give you what you so desperately want, but until then, I am sorry.
Constant circles. Why am I surprised? I should not have expected anything else. My life feels like nothing more than a series of dreams. Things that are not real and will disappear in a short time. The worst part?…. It will all be gone soon. I can almost guarantee you, these things that are allowing me to be happy will soon fall through my grasp. Just like everything else has. The only real thing I know is home. It is the only solid thing I have, but I can’t seem to let myself stay there. I have this terrible tendency to run and then when I feel my self crumbling I start reaching for the closest things to make me happy, but they are only temporary solutions. Not because they are weak, but because I am. They could possibly be the things that could make me happy forever, but the moment things get confusing or the moment I get too attached, I run again. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am so afraid I am going to hurt someone this way. I’m afraid I am going to hurt someone because I am too afraid of them, because my mind can’t keep functioning on exhaustion and I don’t know how to give it back the energy it needs. I can’t focus. Your face is blurry. Even when my eyes are closed the world is rushing by. It’s giving me a headache and I think I am going to be sick. Don’t give me the opportunity to be your happiness. I will only ruin it. If you give me your happiness to hold, it will shatter. Without a doubt. I am happy with you, but I never let myself be happy for to long, and I am afraid you are going to pay the price. We are all going to pay the price. I pray every time that they are the ones to walk away. I pray that I won’t be the ones to hurt them, but I can never tell if it actually works out or if I push them until they finally decide to give. I really, truly hope it is the former. I would rather crumble by myself than take anyone with me. I have been at the bottom of this pit many times before. I can handle it. I have to deal with it, but no one else deserves to be surrounded by that darkness because of me. This dream is becoming to real. It is getting dangerously real, but even though It may seem opaque, it is never tangible. When I finally get the courage to try and touch it, it will crumble and I will go running once again.
You never fail to put a smile on my face. Somehow, with the simplest of words or actions and I lose every thought in my head and all I can do is smile. Questioning everything is how I live life. Never trusting anything which is really hard when someone tries to tell you they care about you, but you managed to make all of those questions disappear. They may only be gone for a moment, but with you that moment feels like a lifetime. My insides light up every time you touch me and everything is okay. My mind stops racing, my breathing evens out, my head stops pounding, my eyes stop burning. I am better when I am with you. Which makes me think I am going to mess it all up even more. That I am going to screw up royally and be left empty. I have done it plenty of times before. Each time I have manage to rebuild myself, stronger and better than before, but with you I know it’s all different. Even with the little amount of time we have had together, I know you are different. Your eyes are full of hope and hurt, love and fear. I can see it all, but most importantly, I see you. There is not a moment in the day I don’t wish I was spending with you and every time I leave you its like all the world’s brightest colors dull once again. I like seeing the world through vibrant eyes and that’s only possible with you. I want to see the world through the eyes you give me. Every fault and every miracle, every hill and every valley, every star and all the sky. I want the happiness you give me all the time. The flowers are growing back, not because you planted more there but you are taking care of the ones already there. You are taking care of the most fragile parts of me without knowing what they are. I don’t know how you are doing it, how you are feeding the butterflies in my stomach, how you are giving me the ability to breathe, but I love what I am with you.
I’m replaying you over and over again in my head. Is this normal? I have no space in my head for anything but you which is becoming problematic. I can’t help but think I am doing this wrong. That there is a right way to do this and this is not it. I am terrified of you and everything you mean for me. I am changing what I am, how I function. Not because you want me to but because who I am does not work like this, does not work with other people. No one fits into these pieces that have been carved out of me. The holes and indentions and all the empty places that this life has left me cannot be filled by any person. I am coming to realize that I don’t think I am meant to have anyone, to be in a relationship. Not only because they will not fit but because I cannot give anyone what they so desperately want. I cannot give them the most vulnerable parts of me that they deserve. My mind is stuck within me and it is kept in a cage, locked away to refuse access to even the most willing and qualified of persons. When I see my future, I see it alone. I see it without anyone to go through it with me, and it doesn’t scare me. I am at peace with knowing that I am comfortable in my own, in myself. But with the thought of you in my head, I promise I will do everything I can to make this work. To see myself with you.
What do you do when you realize there is nothing to look foward to? I was so happy everytime I got to go home. Happy for a break, happy for my friends, happy for my family. Now I feel as though I’ve become so seperate from them. I’m almost afraid to go back for so long. I’m afraid I am no longer the me that loved them. No longer the me that spent her time loving every moment around them. It hurts so much to think of all that I have lost being away but it hurts so much more going back to everything I have given up. Leaving is exactly what I needed to do for myself. No one here looks at me with expectations. They don’t look at me like I’m damaged. They don’t look at me with judgment or like I’m a role model. They don’t look at me like I need to be perfect. I needed to get away from that. To learn to let go and to learn to think without them. I am not happy here, but I am much more happy here than I am thinking about going home. It has been far to long and the wounds in my heart are still stinging with every memory that surfaces. I just want to cease to exsist for a while. To just seperate myself from this world and observe it in all of its beauty. To see their lives without me. Can I just escape it all? I am a whole new person. I am a whole person. I don’t know who I am at home anymore and I don’t know if I will be able to handle that.
My eyes are watering but I’m going to blame it on the fridged air. I know it’s cold out but I won’t put on a jacket. My hands are stinging but I refuse to put them in my pockets. I want this numbness more than I want sleep. It sounds stupid but I want the cold to crawl through my skin and freeze my chest from the inside out. I want frost to build over the flowers there so they cease to grow. I want to hollow my chest and open it up like the bleeding sky. The world moves even when my desires attempt and stop it. Removing any significance that my body had been given, my heart had been given, my life had been given. There is no end in sight for what seems like an inescapable void. I decide to lay in the grass and watch as the sky moves above me. My limbs slowly disappearing into the earth beneath me. Becoming unaware myself and everything I am. Letting my world go before I come crashing back down. Spiraling into reality and all of its painful inconveniences.